Reuben’s been having a bit of a tough time lately. I suppose he feels like his brother has totally encroached on his turf now that he has started “big school” too. Last week we had an “incident” at school.
He was playing with friends and from what I can gather they were pretending to put on a play, another child took away his “audience” and upset him, there were words exchanged and they fell out. He lashed out and smacked the other child. Not once but twice. Now, I’m not the type of mother to excuse that kind of behaviour – from what Reuben has told me, the other child wasn’t being very nice but we don’t talk with our fists. Ever. We teach the kids that, unless you have to defend yourself physically, we DON’T lash out. Words are a powerful tool, and its super important to impart this ideal to our kids…
So why am I telling you? A child has misbehaved at school, suffered the consequences of his actions, and now it’s dealt with right? Children do this kind of thing, it won’t be the last time and it’s not the first… but this time there was a difference in the response I received when telling family what our latest parental debacle was. There was shock and almost outrage, like something serious had happened here, something sinister… why?
The child my son smacked was a girl.
Now, let me make this clear off the bat, I am not suggesting that men hitting women is ok or even acceptable, however at the tender age of 5, a child hitting another child should be where the buck stops.
Gender really shouldn’t come into the playground. Ever.
This isn’t the first time that Reuben has smacked another child, it won’t be the last however the fact that there was even a mention of the other child’s gender really frustrates me. What does it matter? Would it be less important if the roles were reversed? Or perhaps is it was one of his little male friends? As a mother of two boys, I want them to grow up learning that violence of any sort isn’t tolerated in a progressive world. That speaking with your fists is unacceptable, regardless of who the recipient of your anger is. To put this bluntly, I don’t want to teach my boys that hitting girls or women is wrong, I want to teach them that hitting ANYONE is wrong, regardless of what does or doesn’t dangle between their legs.
To me, the attitude of “oh my god, he hit a girl?” Is outdated and totally undermines what I want to teach my children. When Edith grows up, I don’t want her to think that it is acceptable to hit her male partner (should she have a male partner) because, well, she’s got a vagina so it’s not like it’s an issue. I want her to respect her fellow human, keep her hands to herself and above all use her words, preferably kindly. On the flip side, what if one of the boys decides to have a male partner, is it then less serious if they lash out at them?
I think that teaching children as young as Reuben that hitting a girl has more implications than hitting a boy is a fundamental flaw in our society. It paves a path that says it’s ok for boys to hit one another, those secondary school scuffles as accepted as a case of testosterone poisoning and hey, boys will be boys right? It paves the same path that teaches our young boys that if a female attacked them they couldn’t defend themselves. It takes us back to the days when men were inferior and laughed at if they were suffering physical abuse from a partner because, well, they are men… they mustn’t hit a woman and she’s so weak in comparison, he can surely take it.
Gender doesn’t hold any relevance when it comes to violence. Boys shouldn’t hit boys. Girls shouldn’t hit girls. Boys shouldn’t hit girls. Girls shouldn’t hit boys.
Let’s stop teaching our children that males hitting females is wrong. Let’s teach them PEOPLE hitting people is wrong.
I just came across this post today, and I agree with you 100%!!! I’m so glad that I came across this in 2021 ’cause child when I tell you these people are out of control, lol. But anyways, yes, you are right. Gender shouldn’t be relevant when it comes to things like these. One time a girl kicked my son in-between his legs and he ended up passing out so the next day him and I went up to the school and I told them what he told me and guess what they said? “We might have to check the cameras, just to make sure he didn’t hit her.” And that was understandable but what they said after is what ticked me off. “Yes she did hit him, but I don’t think we have the whole video.” When the ‘whole video’ was clearly in their face. They were trying to avoid the fact that she hurt my son and still play it like she did nothing. I tell my son don’t ever hit anyone male or female. EVER. gender is irrelevant in that situation. But make sure if someone hits you, do whatever you have to in self defense.
Amen! I’m with you on this one. Though having four girls and no boys I can’t empathise with the situation fully.
But I can say that I’ve had it the other way. One of our daughters used to play with the boys at school more than the girls. She had a period of getting into trouble during some of their “games”. They would be playing rough and she would join in. However, her playing rough often meant some of the boys dobbing her in (struggled for words there) to the teacher. It turns out that they were “going easy” on her in their games because she was a girl, yet she saw no difference and just did what they did, and they didn’t like it. I’m not talking about hitting or smacking, more the wrestling games if I remember rightly.
It’s hard isn’t it? I don’t want Edith to grow up thinking the she can beat the boys up or be too rough with them because they can’t retaliate and will let her win, but I don’t want the boys growing up thinking that she is delicate either. I want them to see each other as equals and that means equal respect for their boundaries! H 🙂
This opens up a whole plethora of issues. Correct, talking with fists is wrong whatever the gender. How though, does one react when you hear women saying “I’m teaching my son to respect women.” All well and good, but I’m teaching my daughters to respect everyone!
While it may seem like a tangent, the other one that drives me mad is when I hear mums saying they’re going to talk to their daughters about positive body image. Yes, of course you should talk to your daughters about positive body image but if you don’t talk to your sons as well then you’re only half doing the job (it would be a rather good idea if dad joined in with these conversations as well).
My apologies, I’m going totally off topic. It is, nonetheless, very frustrating to live in this world where girls are taught to be protected and protective and yet those same conversations are not had with boys. It does run through everything from fists in the playground to body image and some parents need to rethink their approach. Right, I’ll get off my high horse now.
I have to say when I first read the title I thought”what??” But then as I read your post, I couldn’t help but 100% agree with you. Regardless of gender hitting people is wrong and under no circumstances should it be acceptable or tolerated. Gender should not be brought into it and told “don’t hit girls”. Because truth is you should not hit anybody.
Another great and honest post.
I totally 100% agree! My little boy gets a real hard time from family members because it’s supposedly acceptable for the girls to play rough with him and upset him because he’s tough and a boy but if he is to do anything back (not that I condone any retaliation but kids will be kids) He gets a lot more stick for it because they are girls. It’s not about gender its about not doing it at all. I’ve had several disagreements with family members over this! Gender is irrelevant. Teach them to play nicely or not at all.
It’s infuriating isn’t it? x
Absolutely right. Spot on. Love your style ???
Very valid point. As time goes on the emphasis on gender should be eradicated. I’m all about ‘equalism’
I have two girls but most my mummy friends have boys and we had this same issue when one of the boys hit my daughter, the parents went crazy that he shouldn’t hit a girl. The boy himself replied with “but girls shouldn’t hit either” (as my daughter hit him back!) which is exactly right! Hitting is never acceptable!
Thanks for the comment! So true! x
Could not agree more, gender shouldn’t be a factor when it comes to violence, it should be that it’s wrong no matter what and not a way to solve a problem. A girl hitting a boy is no better than a boy hitting a girl, it’s all the same shade of wrong and shouldn’t be put into different leagues
Thanks Tanya!
I never thought about it like that. As a mum to boy-girl twins I typically see my daughter being more physically abusive to my son and I find it equally disappointing when they hit one another. Your point is so valid, I want to enforce this with my kids and make sure they know putting their hands on anyone is wrong, unless it is to defend yourself.
Thank you so much x
Kudos to you for being honest. Violence in any form against any gender is wrong. But sometimes kids need to defend themselves against bullies. It so happened that my eldest son was been bullied by a girl. The girl was almost a 6 inches taller and a whole lot bigger. My son was often physically abused by her. He hesitatingly told us about it and we complained to the school authorities many times which had no result. I told my son to defend himself if needed. And he did exactly and next they we got a note from the school that the bully’s parents had complained about a by hitting their girl. Since, I had already complained about her earlier, I knew that I was on the right side and argued my case with them. They just shut up. Since then the girl hasn’t bullied my boy.
Your son shouldn’t feel like he can defend himself less than a female could – he has the right. I can’t believe the cheek of the other parents.
Yes I totally agree that gender shouldn’t be a part of it. Any sort of hitting is wrong! I feel attitudes are part of the reason men struggle to admit to domestic violence x
Thanks Jodie!
Great point. I hope that if more people start raising their children this way slowly things will change for the next generation.
Thanks you lovely! x
I agree with you, the gender is irrelevant in this situation and teaching kids that hitting people full stop is wrong is the best approach x
Thank you – so true! x
I agree with you completely! There is no reason to bring gender into the equation when teaching children that you don’t hit other people. It is simply enough to teach them that you don’t hit. Period.
Thanks Sarah – it should be shouldn’t it?!
This sort of attitude really gets on my nerves. I mean, these days you hear of plenty of women who beat their fella’s up. And then you hear people say things like “He must have pushed her too far”. Erm, why does it ALWAYS have to be the mans fault?! I totally agree with everything you’ve said in your post and I think you’ve handled it perfectly. I hope Reuben starts to feel a little happier soon. It’s not always easy being the oldest child is it? 🙂
Louise x
YES!! It’s so not fair 🙂
He is just 5 and kids play,laugh,fight and gender doesn’t matter at that age. But when they grow up as elders it does matter atleast to the world.
I totally agree with you
Thank you – although it shouldn’t matter MORE when they grow up if he hits a female than if he hits a male. He shouldn’t hit anyone. Period.
I totally agree it’s not about the sex of the child that is hit what needs to be taught is that hitting as a whole is wrong. I am trying to teach my little one that although at the tender age of two it’s proving a bit of a struggle. Luckily it doesn’t happen often.
It’s difficult to learn!
Oh dear. You’re totally right that he shouldn’t lash out with his fists. Let’s hope it stops soon x hitting anyone it wrong
Yes, fingers crossed – though that is a perfectly normal behaviour in children of 5 years.
Very interesting take and I understand your points. I think it all boils down to intent behind the hit.
Thank you – I still don’t think that the intention behind the hit is relevant when in relation to gender bias. If a female intends to hurt a male or control him when she hits him, it is no better or worse than a male who does the same. If a male hits out in anger, it’s no different to a female. Intent really isn’t relevant in terms of gender.
Yes! YES! Yes! and more YES! I am one hundred percent with you on this issue! It is time to stop the stereotypical acceptables and irrationals. We struggle with breaking the stereotypes of society with our son. Girls and Boys can do exactly the same things side by side. Great post!!!!!
Thank you – it’s so important to move past these outdated ideals.
I couldn’t agree with you more. Gender shouldn’t come into this issue. As a mother of two boys I will certainly be teaching that whether they hit a girl, or a girl hit them, it is equally unacceptable behaviour. X
Exactly that Chloe!
I whole heartedly agree. My 4 year old recently put his finger in a little girls mouth when she didn’t want him to. She was understandably upset and he got told off. Which would have been the same if he’d done it to a boy. Touching anyone else without their permission is not ok – regardless of gender. I want my kids to grow up knowing it’s never ok to hurt anyone – regardless!!!
Preach Cherry!!