8 Unrealistic moments in Fifty Shades Darker (and what would happen if it was my life)

So last week my friend Kate and I went to the cinema to watch Fifty Shades Darker. We’ve both read the books and we both loved the utter basic smuttery (how is that not a word?), even if we both spent a good portion of them wanting to bitch slap some sense into Ana and inform her that, actually in reality, Christian Grey is what Bridget Jones referred to back in the day as a fucktard. One of the mums on the school run summed up the whole series with the phrase “strangle not straddle”. Sharing that is my gift to you. You’re welcome. To give you an idea of how deep my friendship with Kate is, this is the lady that waited to see the first movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, until it was only available in our local cinema in the intimate 8 seater room on a Wednesday night because the release date coincided with ‘Operation birth’ of Edith. I felt I owed it to her to go early this time because, well, being British watching what is essentially soft porn a la Channel 5 circa 1999 in a large cinema crammed with women (and the odd dreadfully unhappy man) is preferable to watching it with 6 other people you don’t know.

So, what did I think? I’m shallow and was after a cheap thrill so I loved it – what do you want from me? I’ve never been one to embrace the political flaws around Fifty Shades (c’mon, we all know they are there) but I see it for what it is: Twilight with a hard on. Are we going to be seeing an overflow of BAFTAs and OSCARs for this? No.

I can’t begin to explain to you how far removed from my life this series is, from everyone’s life, but perhaps I should try (just for amusement purposes):

THIS is what would happen if Fifty Shades Darker was my life:

• The bit where she has broken up with him and he buys all her portraits.

Restraining orders are thing. Embrace them.

• The bit where he tells her she is his everything and he will never hurt her again.

I would give Adam a cool snort of derision, followed by the ever-so mature silent treatment. There would be no kinky moments and we would certainly not be making a stir fry together… anger and kitchen utensils are a no-no.

• The red room of pain.

My feral children would find that shit in a heartbeat. They are pretty much sniffer dogs for anything that we wish to hide and if Reuben can find a Christmas present in the loft I’m certain he could locate one room in a mansion.

• The bit where she is tied up with a spreader bar.

For us mere mortals this would no doubt be improvised with something like the inner tube of a used up wrapping paper roll. It wouldn’t go well, and no doubt the children would walk in half way through… can you explain to an inquisitive 6 year old why mummy is trussed up like a hog roast? No me neither…

• Every time he upsets her, he talks her round in seconds and she’s straddling him.

I redirect you to the above #stranglenotstraddle is much more likely.

• The girl with the gun

Seriously, this takes crazy ex to a whole other level. Honey, you can have him back.

• The helicopter crash.

Seriously? He has a crash and just waltzes home without a phone call. I would go MENTAL. Sex wouldn’t be on the table for the rest of his life never mind for the next 30 minutes.

• Sex in the shower with clothes on.

For anyone who has ever been caught out in the rain, they will know this is just NOT happening. It isn’t – plus, I spent ages squeezing my arse into my jeans, taking them off would be impossible. Also, my kids would try to come in – and they would see it as an invite to jump in fully clothed.

• Ripping my clothes

Oh hell no. I told Reuben off for doing this with a shirt once, hulk style. Just no.

So there you have it – Fifty Shades Darker is possibly not one to channel for the average romantic evening…