I’ve often had those moment where I reflect on the early months of Edith’s life, remembering a lot of things, from the tiny fingers that held my heart to endless hours spent walking up and down the living room at 12am whilst watching The Walking Dead (fortuitously discovered 4 seasons in.)
This week has been especially trying so far, with a really bad case of man flu on my behalf and a less than happy Edith, who was displeased with my being unwell and further disgruntled that she wasn’t feeling tip top. On top of this I’ve had a few deadlines to match and it’s all been a bit hectic. There have been a fair few times that I have felt close to tears whilst Edith has kicked and screamed in my face, her dad staring at us in disbelief because he’s always been at work and never really privy to the way she behaves when she doesn’t want mama to do anything but sit and feed her.
Last night Adam asked me if it was like this often and I told him the truth – no, this week is especially tough, but throw back to 12 months ago and it was much much worse. Funnily, I remember it being much worse, I remember feeling like I had a cloud over me and that I was paddling in deep water, forever struggling to stay afloat, but what I didn’t realise was the depth of despair I truly felt. The loneliness, the feeling of failure and the disinterest in the majority of the world around me. I look back on life with Edith, a difficult baby by anyone’s standards, and I realise that what I experienced sounds a lot like post natal depression.
I’ve never been diagnosed with PND and I don’t think, in hindsight, that I needed any treatment however I do think that a lot of women walk a line between PND and full blown sign and dance, I’m so happy my face could melt feelings, but there is little discussion of that in-between feeling of just not having your shit together. Some days are glorious and you feel like you have stepped out of an area where strangers should be chanting your name because, god dammit, you had this DOWN. You fed the kids, no one had too much of a melt down, you talked to adults (without sobbing or twitching) and you had a good day. The the next day comes and it isn’t a good day. It’s a day that leaves you wondering how you will face tomorrow, it’s a day that makes you wonder if you made a mistake having another baby and the. Leaves you feeling like a terrible person because you really wish you could take it all back… but not really. Then you read a story about someone whose baby has died and you feel even worse because, yes your baby is insanely tough, but you wouldn’t want anything to happen to them and then panic builds like bile in the back of your throats and it’s all you can do just to breath.
We jest a lot about needing a glass of the good stuff to calm our frayed nerves at the end of the day, but many of us – myself specifically here – refuse to truly acknowledge that some days, we didn’t cope and some days we were over whelmed. In the grand scheme of things these days melt away and we remember the good moments but they act like a shadowy cloud over what was an otherwise happy and challenging period.
To tell you the truth I look back over the last few years and from the time Edith was 4-5 months old to her being 18 months has that cloud, that panicky feeling that if I look back too deeply I think I will discover I struggled far more than my pride would admit.
Last week was world mental health week and I didn’t feel that with all these brilliant bloggers writing about their struggles with genuine mental illness like PND I could really contribute so I kept shtum, but having reassessed, maybe my contribution wouldn’t be purely speculative after all.
If you feel like you are struggling, like those bad days are outweighing the good, don’t let it take you a year and a half to admit it to yourself. Talk to someone and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to see the sunshine.
H x
Thanks for sharing, This is such a great post I had a few really bad years after I had my son who is now 2 and I am still struggling but slowly getting there. I think more people should be brave and talk about there problems and experiences as you have done. I have been wanting to write a post on my blog about PND but just don’t feel ready to yet but one day I will and hopefully it could bring some clarity and closure to that part of my life.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve dealt with depression for long time and worry because of it that I will get post natal depression when I have kids…Glad you are feeling better, but always good to see the doctor.
I think every woman gets is in some shape of form. I’m happy the you’re past that phase xx
I really love how you opened up a discussed this! It’s a completely natural thing and whether or not a person may realise it, it’s best to talk and let those feelings out 🙂
I look back on the early days with a baby and a two-year-old pretty much on my own (as OH worked very long hours, and most Saturdays too). I was also trying to keep working as a freelance journalist on top, and for a while it wasn’t so much as good and bad days, but good and bad minutes! It was like a rollercoaster every day, and I’m still not entirely sure how I managed it. x
Such a personal post thanks for sharing. Topics like this need to be talked about more
This is a very important post. Post natal depression is real and happens to many mothers now.
My post natal was so bad I had a fully blown breakdown when my boy was 13 months old, it is better to see a doctor if you are feeling very low, just to be on the safe side.
This is such an honest post and it’s nothing to be ashamed of x
Thanks for sharing such a personal outlook on post natal depression. It affects so many and so many go through it in silence.
This is definitely something that needs to be spoken about more, as so many people go through it and they think they are the only ones.
What an honest post, I’ve suffered with depression in the past so do worry about how I’ll cope if I do have children x
This is such a real and honest post. My friend has just had a baby so I’m going to share this with her.
I definitely think some people may not even recognize that what they are going through is post natal depression. It’s important to talk about it!
I think you’re right a lot of people I know who have had kids have felt like this from time to time but not had full blown PND x
I dont think enough is done and is understood about PND. A close friend of mine had it so bad that her parents brought up her daughter until she was 10 years old x
This is such an amazing post, thank you so much for sharing such a personal thing, that sadly effects so many people. x
Such a wise, important post. It’s a very busy, trying season and it’s so important to talk and feel heard.
Oh hun nothing to be ashamed of and from what you are telling us you did have post natal depression. Depression in any form can be a hard cloud to lift but I find that writing really helps me find clarity and change my perspective on life and all its tribulations.
Such a personal post its great that you have shared your experiences mental illness is still such a taboo subject.
People with or without mental illness have bad and good days and it’s all about how our mental wellbeing is. I understand why you felt you didn’t share but I think posts where even one person can relate is worth the write if you’re comfortable. Days are hard, being a mother isn’t an easy job – very rewarding – but still not easy some times, being ill, under pressure, managing a household, cannot be as easy as others think and it can take it’s toll on our mental wellbeing – beautiful post x
Thanks for sharing such a personal post. I’m going to share this with my friend, I hope it helps her.
Sorry to hear you have had that cold, I have it too it’s awful isn’t it. It’s nice that so many people are trying to highlight mental illness and help others.
Love this post, I remember feeling exactly like this (and still do sometimes). It’s so hard with a baby that you can’t always tell if it’s the overwhelming tiredness or something more. Isabelle was a horror baby until about 8 months, then slowly she stopped crying all day. Now she’s hilarious, but she still does my head in