Last week a friend of mine posted a status on Facebook about an awful ordeal that she had witnessed at the local paddling pool and play area. Apparently a child, no older than 2-3 years old had managed to get their hands on a flask of boiling water, and threw it into the pool, scolding two small children in the process. Obviously an ambulance was called, the little ones were treated for shock and burns, and my friend was just an onlooker trying to help.
As is easily predicted, while my friend’s status was in no way judgemental, immediately everyone seemed to reach for their Lycra judgeypants (I imagine them to be Lyra, purely squish the extra judgement in) and an influx of “OMG where were the fucking parents!?” And “oh my gawdddd, what the hell were the parents thinking letting him get hold of that?” Flooded in like a tidal wave of judgement.
Now I get it, when a child is injured or harmed by another child, our initial reaction is to say “where were those parents?”… But have you ever stopped to think that not *everything* is the fault of the parent? What if the toddler had wandered off while mum was changing a nappy, grabbed an older man’s flask while he chilled out with a BBQ watching his older Grandkids play and thought he was playing when he threw it in while his mother ran around clutching her newborn and panicking that her first born had gone walkies (I’ve been here, it’s terrifying). What if the mum was running behind her toddler because in a moment of humanity she had (heaven forbid) looked away to talk to a friend and the child had grabbed her flask and made a run for it… So. Many. What. Ifs. Yet we’re all up in that parent blaming bullshit like flies on shit. And it is SHIT.
The truth in this scenario was actually that the parent had been a grade A douche bag, left her flask uncapped, and really wasn’t all that remorseful at the injury caused, toddling back to her perch miles away and allowing the toddler to wander free. I get that it makes the comments warranted, but why is this ALWAYS our first reaction. Why not a simple, oh god, what happened? My comment was, “Oh my god, what happened? I bet the parent’s of the child that threw the water were horrified”… Because I know I would be, and the horrible truth is that these mishaps could happen to any of us. No matter how vigilant, no matter how hard we try, we are just people. We make mistakes, we leave lids off things, we take our eyes off our kids to check our vital work email and we fuck up. It’s really that simple.
Another favourite of mine is people who complain about soft play areas and “other people’s kids”. You take your kids there to play and learn, unless you have 1 or multiples of the same age, you have to allow older kids to go off and play. You have to. I’m not suggesting you tap them on the back, waive tooda-loo and put your feet up with an issue of heat, but I am saying you have to let them go. Trust them to a degree. I let Reuben and Toby go off and play while I look after Edith, yet only a few weeks ago I read an article by another blogger (who has multiple children) about how she hated other people’s children at soft play areas because she didn’t want to have to look after them, tell them off and other parent’s were lazy… It just smacked of “my skills are better than yours” and it was mean. Mean girls mean. My reply would be maybe your older kids will grow up despising you and their younger sibling because they were never allowed to walk more than two foot away and you were always with the baby!
The last time we visited Dalby Forest, I went to the toilet while Reuben played with his friend’s and the other mums kept an eye on them all. When I came back, Reuben had been playing on his friend’s bike – which doesn’t have stabilisers – and I had previously told him not to. He’d fallen and bumped himself, so I told him, well that will teach you, don’t do it again… But he did. I was so focused on chasing Edith around like a neurotic dog chasing it’s very waggy tail, that I didn’t realise he was back on the fucking bike. It was a busy, hot day and he pelted straight into a couple and their dog as he lost control of the bike. Fortunately they moved out of the way, the dog did not. He didn’t hurt the dog, or himself (thankfully) but the very first thing the man shouted as he screamed at him was “Where are your parents?!”… then as I was stood less than 10ft away and immediately came running (forgetting Edith was going the opposite way) and I couldn’t stop spewing apologies like a teenager on freshers week spews up beer, he threw his arms up at me as if to say “where were YOU”.
I’m only one woman. With three children. I was with the child that I thought was most at risk and I trusted my older kids to do as I asked and stay within the perimeters I set. I trusted Roo not to make the decision to pick up the bike, after I told him not to. Yet he did. It happened. Ultimately, that doesn’t make it my FAULT, it makes it an unfortunate series of events that led to something that could have been SO much worse. It sucked. I was horrified.
In these circumstances, maybe before we shout and holla, threaten and berate, we should try to stop and think. How is the person reacting to the incident, how are they trying to help and could that have been ME? Because if the answer is yes, and it will almost always be YES, then think in how you would want to be treated.
Now if they just wander back to their picnic table and do fuck all… Bring out the mama rage and Lycra judgeypants all you like.
H x
I’m one of those over cautious mothers, If i can’t watch all 3 of my children and they are not boxed in in some way and easy to see then I will ask for another person to join me to help or leave a child behind with someone so they are manageable or not go. I should probably trust the older one more but I’m scared the one time I do something will happen. I believe each to their own, if you want to let your children roam free then go for it as long as it doesn’t affect mine,
My reaction to the status about the flask was to ask how the little girl was and, like you, I was amazed that everyone leapt on the parents because Toby would manage to find a flask of boiling water given the tiniest chance, little sod! I do dislike going to soft plays in the holidays because bigger kids go in the toddler area and bash the littles around, which pees me off. I personally plonk myself where I can see the entrance to both the big kids bit and the baby bit, so of Toby’s going away from where he’s meant to be I can see him, but when you’ve got more than one child on the move it’s not easy. I think kids make stupid choices and when I get annoyed is when you can see the parents sat there doing damn all. At a local paddling pool recently I was bent down with Martha in my arms taking a photo of Toby and a girl of about 6 or 7 turned around, looked at me for a second then kicked freezing water over us. I told her to be careful of the baby (who was beside herself) the stood up and the mum was right behind me with a smile on her face and a camera in her hand. I wanted to punch her!xx
Absolutely agree with this Hannah – it is when you see people who really, genuinely DON’T care. Not in the slightest – I would have had words for the camera holding numpty too – that is what gives parent’s a bed rep and makes others say “where were the parent” or “blame the parents”. However when you get a parent (like you, and I like to think myself) who are trying to be in more than one place, trying to keep tabs on everyone and shit just happens… well thats a really different scenario. You can’t tart every one with the same brush! xx
I do think people are way too quick to judge a situation just by what they see and not what might have happened although the situation you describe sounds horrible. x
I think it must have been, I can’t imagine how traumatised her poor girls must have been!
My mum has 5 kids, 3 of which are under the age of 7 and it is an absolute nightmare even though they’re so well behaved (most of the time). I see all the time when we go out as a family people giving her funny looks even before the little ones have done anything wrong! I think it’s a lot to do with the fact the judgey parents just want something to say and something to make their little devils look good. I tend to make the little ones scream a bit louder just to show who’s having more fun 😉 Loved this post x
That is just so unfair, don’t you think? I totally agree with you, the bias is often there before you set off 🙂
I agree, we shouldn’t assume that just because a child’s hurt does not mean it is the fault of the parents. We need to stop being so judgemental!
Amen Ana!
Regardless of child related things, we are all so quick to point the finger and judge each other. If you have three kids you cant be always watching them, parents can only do so much. I bet those parents feel awful.
They didn’t sadly Annie, and that gave credit to the judgement – but parent’s who are mortified really can’t be tarred with the same brush!
When you’re parenting more then 1 child it is so damn difficult!! Even when you just have 1, sometimes you just want to make eye contact with your bestie who is having a really terrible day for more then just one second, or sit & think about a poorly parent or even just plan some work things in your head & it’s absolutely fine to do this if you are in a safe environment. If you help in school, you see the freedom the kids get at playtime, the teachers are there but they aren’t breathing down each child’s neck & sorting every he said/she said niggle because kids have to learn these things themselves. Rah! Had Judgey McJudgersons!
Exactly Louise! EXACTLY THIS> There comes a point in every child’s life, and it’s usually school age, when they will have that bit of freedom, and I can (as someone who has been in a position to witness it all too often) guarantee the child who has hovering parent’s and isn’t allowed to go more than 2-3 ft away from mum in the baby section because he/she “can’t be out of sight” is the one that struggles. I’m not condoning the parent’s who sit and take no responsibility of their kids, but where is the compassion and why the fuck are we insistent on assuming that you pop a kid out and suddenly become a fucking superhero with eyes in your arse and super sonic hearing. It doesn’t work like that I’m afraid!
I totally get what you’re saying, and some of the comments would have left me a little uncomfortable had the awful truth been that the whole situation was of complete negligence on the adult’s part. Sadly, because of the hideous consequences of what’s happened: the 8 year old girl has been left with a face that will take two years to heal; as in it’s completely two-tone (for an 8 year old to deal with this at school and the potential for bullying is going to be bad, it looks terrible), her eye is damaged and requires treatment-possibly an operation, and she will have discolouration on her back and arm not to mention the horrible pain and traumatic injury that will probably haunt her for the rest of her life. All because some dumb ass left the lid off a scalding hot flask and wasn’t watching their toddler.
I know where you’re coming from and I get it but sadly (!) the reaction was ‘just’ in this instance which absolutely fucking sucks 🙁 x
Oh yes, and I totally agree – in this case it was 100% just. Like I said at the end, when you get someone who just wanders off and isn’t fussed at all – hike up the judgey-pants, what a complete cockwomble that woman was. I’m meaning more, like you say, the initial comments BEFORE you mentioned what had actually happened – straight to blaming the parents of the “perp”. Not many people asked what had happened before they jumped on the “oh my gosh where were those parents” band wagon. In this instance, I personally think legal action could be taken for such a total lack of interest in the damage caused, but had that mum been running about, floods of tears and absolutely hysterical herself, had it just been a total accident that was so upsetting for all parties then that is a different case. A bit like with Reuben and crashing into the dog – I was doing my best and it was a total accident, I couldn’t run after Edith and watch him like a hawk. He made a mistake and I couldn’t prevent it… but AFTER I couldn’t apologise enough and had the dog been harmed I would have been straight on the phone to call their vet, done everything I could to help. I would have given my details and said I will pay… do you know what I mean? I would have done EVERYTHING in my power to make it better. Yet there would still be the “well what a stupid bitch, where was she?” brigade. Not fair.
I’ve been waiting for your update on the poor girls, I feel so sorry for them. Burns are the worst. I so hoped it was a case of a toddler “breaking free” and not a careless parent, it makes it even more heartbreaking for those poor little ones. x
As the manager of a soft play area I see thing like this ALL the time! We have had children bite other children, karate kick another child, pull hair etc. Blame has to go somewhere and it’s normally the parents that get this because 9 times out of 10 they’re not supervising the children. However, a lot of parents tend to treat where I work like a nursery and just leave the kids to it without checking on them.
Yeah… and while I get that does happen, I disagree that a parent, who is actively upset and trying to reprimand their child for doing wrong, while apologise as well, needs further berating from another upset parent. Kids will be kids, just up to us to be adults and rectify their bad behaviour, apologise for what has happened and try our very best. While you get the parents that act like your soft play is a nursery, you will also get those that just want to take their family out for the day and physically can’t be in two – three places at once so have to let their kids go off while they mind the baby or toddler. It’s not difficult to be kind if something happens.
Oh absolutely! I never meant that it was always the fault of the parents, only that they do seem to get the blame. Unfortunately the biggest problem is that it is the parents that are unable to be adults about things that happen. We have had people threaten to sue other parents, threaten to sue us because we ‘let it happen’. I have had to stop physical fights between parents because of things like this. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve said kids will be kids, apologise and go back to playing.
God that sounds horrendous! I would lose my freakin mind with such immaturity! Big props to the staff that have to deal with these plonkers!
I was one of these people. Couldn’t believe people would let their kids roam free at soft play and so critical when people didn’t watch their kids. But that was when I had one kid. Then I had twins and got a fkn grip of myself and realised that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to watch three kids like a hawk and be on the ball completely. I’ve chilled out and realise that it’s not possible to do it all. But still have the two fingers up to the parents that don’t give a monkeys opposed to physically not being able to
Oh absolutely, those people that just don’t give a toss give us all a bad rep. It is, like you say, impossible if you have more than 1 child and of different ages to be everywhere at once.