On being followed & intimidated

My mum has been in hospital now for a few days, she had a hip replacement and I’ve been heading to visit her every night, just to make sure she’s ok and getting the care she needs. There isn’t really that much to say on that matter but I did want to talk about something that happened as I was leaving the hospital the other night: I was followed by a man.

 Now if you follow me on Instagram then you probably already know the story, so I’ll apologise now for re-hashing it, but I do think it’s something worth sharing.

 As I was leaving the ward, head in phone as usual – oblivious to all but the direction I was going in, I happened to look up to see where I was going and I saw a man looking at me as he walked in the opposite direction. He started to slow down as we were crossing paths, slowing right down to almost stop and staring at me the whole time. As we crossed paths, he continued to stare, watching me walk past him, watching me walk away and heading so slowly it was almost a stop. At this point I was pretty creeped out, I mean that isn’t cool is it? It was just… intimidating. He continued on in his direction, I went in mine and though he’d given me chills I just thought perhaps he wasn’t well or something. I came into the main entrance to the hospital and decided to nip to the loo: when something freaks you out, you understand the phrase “wet yourself” slightly better.

 I went to the loo, shook it off and felt much better… that is until I came out of the toilet to find the man was waiting for me. I’ll just pause here to say, whatever I thought before about it all being in my head, or perhaps he was ill or whatever: it’s wrong and irrelevant. This was unacceptable behaviour. Totally. He walked straight up to me, perhaps 10ft away from the information desk and asked me if I worked there and could help him find his way around. I stayed calm, told him I was sorry but no, I couldn’t help him but the information desk right in front of us was probably his best bet. At this point I was mortified and sped my way out of the building, straight on FaceTime to my husband, who was only too happy to stand and talk to me. Until the man followed me further, out of the building and to the car park. Fortunately I got in my car and sped away, all was well… but that doesn’t change a few things:

 1.) My first thought? Maybe I imagined it.

 That’s called internalised sexism and social conditioning. You’ve probably said it to a mate, I might have done too when I was younger. After the initial stopping and staring, I started to tell myself in the toilet, don’t be daft – why would he stare at you?! You’re not special, he was probably wondering if he recognised you. Don’t be so big headed, vain, silly, dramatic.

 No. Stop. I wasn’t being any of those things, this guy was being creepy and intimidating, whether that was intention or not, it doesn’t make me any less the ‘victim’ of intimidation, or a drama queen for feeling scared. It also doesn’t mean he was going to do anything – it was just unacceptable behaviour.

 2.) The rationalising and excusing. STOP.

 I’ve somewhat done it there. It doesn’t mean he was going to do anything. Maybe he was unwell. Maybe he was just being friendly.

 Nope, another no no. When I’ve talked about these kinds of things before, I have always don’t try to rationalise it. Don’t make excuses. It was dickish, intimidating and wholly unacceptable behaviour: not imagined or to be excused. The guy followed me to the toilets and was waiting for me when I came out. It wasn’t a coincidence – confirmed by his following me out of the building.

 3.) The fear of becoming the accused.

 I posted this on my Instagram stories, I was alone and had to nip to the shops anyway, so I posted about the experience and how it was scary and unacceptable. You know what went through my mind before I hit the post button? What if people think I’m making it up? What if people think I’m being over dramatic? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen? You know what actually happened? A flooding of messages from women who had had the same happen to them, who had been followed, intimidated, harassed in varying degrees to attacked. One friend said to me “every woman hearing this will have experienced something similar. Some will have been worse and ended in an attack, other’s just watched and frightened. It’s awful, but we will all have been there.”

 4.) I didn’t report it.

 I didn’t report it. To the police, to the hospital, to anyone. And I should have. But I told myself there was nothing to report and they would just laugh at me. Leave the actual attacks or crimes to be reported, I told myself. It wasn’t a big deal. But it WAS. It was a big deal, it was unacceptable and I should have reported it.

 Internalised sexism and societal implications for being the victim of an attack or something as small as this mean that we don’t talk about it. We pretend it didn’t happen for fear that we will be told it was all in our heads or that we just looked pretty and he was just being friendly. That’s a lot of “justs” isn’t it?

 If someone is intimidating you, following you or staring at you, get on the phone or FaceTime, find security or police, find a well lit and busy place if you can, and don’t internalise it. Chances are you aren’t imagining it.

 H x