As I sit down to type this afternoon, I feel a bit silly that I’m talking about a pregnancy “scare” as a 26 year old mother of three who is in a perfectly “able” position to have a baby. Yet here I am.
Last week I was feeling a bit off, it could be that Edie’s sleep pattern was up and down (she slept through twice and then had random feeds other nights – still excited about the sleeping through though, even if it comes at the cost of a 5am wake up call!) or it could be that I was working my ass off all week, most nights until 11pm/12am which is super late for me and something I find oh-so tiring. Anyway, I was feeling dizzy, queasy and I want to eat alllllllll the food. All of it. This could also be a result of my renovated low-carb diet, but hey, it’s necessary.
On Wednesday Adam was watching me carefully in the kitchen while I prepared dinner and generally moaned about how rubbish I was feeling. For the third time that week he came out with the comment, “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” and I had just about had enough on it, so I decided to do a test. I always have tests in the house. I could keep these guys in business with my buying of tests but after 6 years of constant pregnancy-baby-baby-pregnancy I have become rather determined to check on these things. Off I tootled to the toilet to, you know, do my thing. While I was in there a notification popped up on my phone to tell me a reader had left a rather snide and ridiculous comment on a photo I’d posted of Edie, so down went the test and I became absorbed in fighting my corner. About 5 minutes later I remembered there was a purpose to this toilet trip and grabbed up the test with a triumphant ‘There!” bubbling on my lips until… holy fuck, is that a line?
Fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck. That could be a line.
Que the angling of the test every which way, mucho squinting and neck craning. Before I had chance to make my mind up over whether this was in fact the world’s faintest positive pregnancy test, Adam waltzes in, takes one look at my face, then my hand, then my face and pales considerably. Turns out he could see a super faint line too. Shit.
I’ll be honest, at this point I was horrified and that shocks me to the core. I have always expressed the desire for a big family, I’m talking minimum of 5 kids. Adam hasn’t, he wanted to stop at two and has been requesting a vasectomy (so he says…) since I found out we were expecting Edie. It’s always left us at a bit of an impasse really, something that can get quite heated but of late we seem to have been on the same page.
Like I mentioned, some days I’m working until 11pm/12am and then I’m up at 5am – I’m working HARD to try and grow my blog and turn it into something I feel I can be really proud of, all at the same time as juggling a household, school runs, Toby’s foul toddler temper tantrums and my little demand-o-saurus, Edith. We haven’t really give it much thought, which is super irresponsible of us but with both of the boys we (read I) wasn’t really bothered if I got pregnant again – I was quite hoping I would actually. This time I thought I felt that way again, until Edith really started to come into her own and develop her… let’s call it a personality! I’m still breastfeeding so my contraception options are limited, I had a coil when I was younger and it didn’t agree with me, and I’m so bloody forgetful, with just too much to fit in my head already that I would most likely forget the pill and as it’s the progesterone only pill it needs to be taken within a few hours of each day. So, that leaves condoms and family planning.
Let’s put it bluntly, we don’t have time to have sex most days, so when we do get those precious 3.2 minutes of parent sex time (you know the one, where they are comfortably watching a TV show, you look at each other and realise you *might* just be able to squeeze in a quickie), we aren’t going to spend 2 of them running for and/or hunting for a condom are we? So, hello family planning. Thing is – family planning CAN be effective if you stick to it, but we don’t really stick to it *that* well. I know, I’m kicking myself and no one is more shocked at our stupidity than me. I just didn’t think I would feel the horror I did at the thought of being pregnant, I genuinely didn’t.
That being said, I have come to the conclusion that throwing another baby into the mix at this moment in time would be… horrible. I couldn’t cope. I can see it being a really, REALLY slippery slope toward severe PND.
Fortunately, my little story culminates in me running down to the shop to grab a digital pregnancy test and enjoying sweet relief as the words “not pregnant” flashed up.
If I’m truthful I’ve spent quite a lot of time wondering what I would have done had I been in the position of deciding whether or not to bring a baby into our family, and the decision I came to was not one I ever want to be in the position of making. Family planning isn’t enough for us anymore because I genuinely 100% do not want another baby right now, which leaves me feeling surprised and a little sad that my views have changed so much.
H x
I love your honesty in this post and you did have me giggling. BUT I know your fear and feel it every time my period is a couple of days late. I would love a bigger family but my body hates being pregnant and as I call it tries to eat my babies after 30 weeks, I couldn’t go through that again.
Laura x x x
I love your honesty. If I found out I was pregnant again now I think I’d freak out. I do want another and ian wants another NOW but I’m just not sure I’m ready yet :/ x
Thanks Sian – it’s true isn’t it – the thought can be terrifying! H x
I would have been panicky too – sounds like you really got to think about things though xx
I did! It has been good for me to clear my thoughts 🙂 H x
Very honest post and I’m so glad you got the result you wanted. Family planning is one of those subjects that some people are scared to discuss isn’t it.
I think so Daniella 🙂 H x
It must be a difficult thought to have, but over time opinions on things change and if now isn’t the right time for you then it’s better to be honest with yourself. You’re juggling a lot and as negative was the best outcome for you I’m glad that’s what you got in the end, I can totally see why you got the second test to make sure! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this experience. x
Thanks Zoe x
I’m glad things worked out for you in the end! I’ve always thought Family Planning was a bit risky for me I wouldn’t be able to keep on top it, I have the contraceptive implant which i have found so so good.
I wish I could have it Emily Rose – no go with breastfeeding I’m afraid!
its interesting to read the views and what you had went through. it is understandable that you don’t want another kid for now. hands are practically full.
This is a really lovely honest post. I have asked many times to have my lady bits removed so we can’t have any more babies. I’m terrified of an accident. Unfortunately I’m too young but it’s ok to feel the way you do.
I am glad that it turned out with the result that you wanted in the end 🙂
For me it’s the polar opposite right now every time I do a pregnancy test and it comes back negative my heart sinks even though we aren’t ‘trying’ exactly x
I had one of these then i went nd got the injection in the butt!! sounds awful but right now I could not think of anything worse than having another baby on top of the two we have.
Oh definitely been there! I wanted lots of kids, partner wanted the snip lol. Then I got severe HG with my last pregnancy and I know I couldn’t go through another one – problem is there just isn’t a contraception that suits me! You’re allowed to change your mind, your body and your prerogative – just glad it’s a negative for you this time Hun xx
I totally see where you’re coming from and while you’re surprised, I think that you’re just assessing your situation as you are at the moment. I don’t have children and keep changing my mind on whether I want them and when xx
Aw bless you! What a great, open and honest post. I had the copper coil after I had Isla and luckily it agreed with me otherwise I can imagine it’s so easy to have ‘mishaps’ when you’re a super busy parent! I feel ya on the staying up late to try and grow the blog etc – it’s hard work isn’t it!x
We had a similar scare. and although we would welcome another child quite happily I know I’m not ready. I really did get the blues post birth with my son. In hindsight I do think it was PND. And I’m terrified of going back to that place again until I’m feeling more mentally prepared.
I have four children, and am now 44, my youngest is 3, my others are all teens. I was broody again earlier this year, but realised that as lovely as a new baby is, it is also a huge drain on every part of me and I don’t want anything to upset the balance I am just about hanging on to! Good luck – maybe keep some protection in a secret spot for that 3.2 minutes 😉 Kaz x
Yikes, I would have been pretty panicky too. It’s a good thing you took the second test to make sure.
Finding out you are pregnant if its planned is exciting news but so do when it’s unexpected. I am glad things turned out how you wanted them in the end.
With your hands full having 3 children, I would have been scared too! Though my friends sister has just had her fourth child (unplanned). You’re so young, you can have your big family still in many years to come. I’m 37 and only on my second pregnancy! Xx
Oh goodness, as a fellow mummy of three, I can understand this! Three young kids is hard work. I get days when I think, aw another one would be lovely, but realistically, it is a lot looking after three kids, working, plus running a home, never mind being financially stretched. Hope you are okay after the little scare! x
what a beautifully written honest post one I feel many of us could relate to I know I had a scare a few years ago now and I was beside myself and would be mortified these days – I have 6 and that’s a large enough family for me
It’s so surprising the range of reactions that come from that thin blue line. Some people are ecstatic, others are panic stricken. I’m glad it was negative for you. X
Aww sounds like it made you really think about things, such a tough “thought” at any time unless you are actively trying Ithink.x
Haha this was a fun read. I’m glad it turned out the way you wanted in the end!
Those that know me know the pain and heartbreak I went through to have a baby, but now there is no way I would want another baby, mainly my age, I just don’t want to be going through all that again. But if I did fall pregnant I would be in bits knowing I what I would have to go through with. I really do understand what you are saying
I’m at the point where I wouldn’t mind being having another baby, but then you think about the reality of it all as i’m working more than ever now. We shall see…x
I have to say, as someone who doesnt want any more children, I think I would have panicked if I saw a second line! I can relate to everything you are saying here, especially the trying to juggle everything at home, along with late evenings trying to grow your blog. Glad you got the outcome you wanted in the end x
This cracked me up! Bless you. It is always a worry what contraception to use when your breast feeding. The midwives basically shoved the pill down my throat at my 6 week check up which I wasn’t really happy with as I knew in a few years I would want another. I’d be interested to know what contraception you choose xx
Oh bless you, you poor thing but at least you are not pregnant because as you said you work so hard and you don’t know how you would cope. I think your amazing to do the amount of work that you do!
You have every right to be scared, it’s only natural. But congratulations, I am sure Adam will be excited soon enough x
It’s funny, we had the same thing at the end of last year and all though I’d love the thought of having another little one, it’s hard enough to balance everything with one and we finally got into a place where I was growing my business and we had the work home balance as good as we could get it (which still isn’t good enough). At least you know your thoughts now and you can plan accordingly. And you never know, one day you might be ready for some more little feet to join in. 🙂 xxx