We Brits haven’t really evolved that much, have we? I mean, sure, we have progressed in some ways – women doing all kinds of crazy stuff like voting and we simplified our financial system into numerical figures instead of the old shillings and half pennies, but as far as our attitudes towards sex, masturbation and talking about sex have changed, we’ve really not come that far.
I’ve been an advocate of honesty with children for a long time – from death to sex to their bodies, we try our hardest to give them the factual information in an age appropriate way. They know the words penis and vulva (not just vagina!). They understand that the mummy has an egg and the daddy has a sperm which is like a seed and that makes a baby. Being honest with them and not getting flustered by their questions when they overhear things means they don’t need to question anything else. I don’t want my kids to grow up trying to learn things from our fucked up internet or their mates, I want them to trust me and I firmly believe that we need to be honest about things for that to happen. Unless we’re talking about Santa – because he IS real and I will fight anyone who says otherwise, ok?
A recent news story broke about sex ed in some schools now including a “self stimulation” section for children as young as 6 years old. Now I know exactly what you’re thinking – I thought it too at first, I mean… do we really need to talk to kids as young as 6 years old about sex and masturbation (you can call it self stimulation if you want, but we know what you mean). When you hear it out without any background, I guess most sane people would think the answer is no, and then *of course* the Daily Fail and The Sun get a hold of the story and further sensationalise it to a point where we are all a bit shooketh about what our kids are being told. With just a headline, or a sensationalised story, one could be forgiven for pulling the Edvard Munch face of horror at the thought of masturbation being discussed with their little darling, after all, no one wants little Timmy to come home and ask Auntie Beth if she’s been “self stimulating” recently, do they? Conservative MPs labelled it “outrageous and well beyond the government guidelines” and angry parents made formal complaints and insisted it was destroying our children’s innocence and totally unnecessary… but it is?
Let’s actually have a look at what was said to the children shall we? The word masturbation was never used – rather self stimulation and that encompasses stroking hair, skin and touching or “tickling” their own private parts. The guidelines handed to the teachers stressed that it’s really important to reiterate to the children that “self stimulation” isn’t dirty or wrong and should be done *in private*. Perhaps if you aren’t a parent, you won’t have had the delight of telling your own child to stop touching themselves, but I can assure you as a mother, it’s something I hear endlessly and say repeatedly. “Please take your hands out of your pants”, “Please don’t pull your penis at the dinner table”, “PLEASE DON’T PUT THAT NEAR YOUR PRIVATES!” – Said ’em all. Kids are naturally exploring their bodies all the time, be it picking their noses, trying out new tastes on their taste buds or cottoning on to the fact their body is capable of different sensations depending on how or where they touch. And yes, even as a well rounded and liberal adult, I cringed typing that – but. it’s. true. That is the part that we forget, as adults – it’s natural. There are children everywhere discovering that there are parts of their body that simply feel nice when they are stimulated, and the archaic attitude that we should hide them from understanding that gets us nowhere. Kids are going to find a way – we see it all the time, so why do we insist upon making it shameful?
We harbour an attitude in this country that sexuality is dirty or inappropriate when it isn’t, we pass down our discomfort around the idea of sexuality and our bodies to our children like a crappy heirloom and we really need to challenge the stigma. In Holland, the totally opposite approach is taken – if a young child is touching themselves they don’t tell them to stop or ask them to go somewhere private, the advice given is to say something along the lines of “that feels nice? Ok!” and not make it a big deal – something that even I find hard to see myself doing, so ingrained in me is the notion that even in innocence, it’s a private act to touch oneself. Yet when else do we encourage our children to do something in secret at such a young age? Sex Ed is started as young as 4 years old in The Netherlands, and yet we’re horrified here about it starting at the age of 6 and we’re constantly trying to modify what is and isn’t taught under the guise of “fear we’re losing innocence” when in reality we’re just really stunted in our ability to speak freely about sexuality and the human body. Let’s put our British pride aside and admit that our system is outdated and serving no one.
The Dutch firmly believe that their younger generations should have a love for their own bodies and a respect for each others – and who are we to say they are doing it wrong when the Netherlands boasts some of the best outcomes of teenage sexual health *in the world* – and I don’t just mean that they have a low rate of STIs or teen pregnancy. I mean that, though their teenagers aren’t having sex any younger than other countries, studies show that when they are having that first sexual experience both parties are walking away happy, whereas in the US 66% say they wished they had waited longer, especially amongst females who almost always felt regret. Happiness and sex are things that should go hand in hand, not shame and regret.
Which brings me to my next point – if we’re going to teach children about sex (and I know we don’t like to here in Britain), why oh why, wouldn’t we teach them about the importance of self pleasure in a way that is age appropriate (ie. Exactly as it is being taught in this case). An alarming number of people, women especially, feel ashamed about masturbation and even more worryingly an alarming number of women claim to never masturbate. WHY? It’s free, it’s fun and it’s scientifically proven to be good for you. I’ll tell you why – because we’re taught with all the “don’t do that it’s dirty” and “STOP IT” when we’re younger that it is something to be ashamed of. I remember reading somewhere that your first love affair should be with yourself, and if we can teach that to our younger generations (again, age appropriately) then I think we’re on to a winner.
The framework for teaching “self stimulation” goes on to reiterate to children that there is absolutely nothing wrong with touching your private parts, that it is something that is to be done in private and perfectly normal.
Personally, I think we need to step back from our own discomfort here and ask ourselves why we would be unhappy with anyone reaffirming to our children that their own body is a.) their’s to touch and b.) that their genitals are private. This isn’t the teachers whacking on babestation and nipping to the staff room for a quick cuppa whilst your 6 year old learns about “self stimulation”, this is a fundamentally important reminder to children that exploring their body isn’t dirty or wrong and equally as important that this area of their body is their’s alone.
