I’ve often said to friends and family that I just need a break. God, do I need a break! The thing is, Edith isn’t one to let you have much of a break, she epitomises the term “Velcro baby” and I’m her chosen target. It’s exhausting and I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t wish things were different sometimes, like friend’s nights out, breaks away with Adam – even evenings out to the cinema or for a meal are hard if not impossible. I don’t need to remind you guys about the temper tantrum I had when we couldn’t go anywhere for our anniversary do I?
Bedtime is another time that I find really hard, she will fall asleep on me while feeding, but the second I move and try to lay her down in her own bed, she opens her eyes and let’s me know that this shit won’t fly. She will usually start the night from 6ish until 9/10pm in her own bed and then the rest is spent in our bed. It isn’t the biggest drama but you try having 2 large boys in the bed when they have bad dreams, plus a baby and a husband… Inevitably I end up with horrendous trapped nerves and back ache. I also end up tired and that makes me useless at my job… ever want to see when the kids have had a bad night? Check the blog or social for typos, they are insanely obvious and it’s not good!
All that being said, when I’m not with Edith, I feel this sense of disquiet, this ache. On occasions she will delay her first night time feed by an hour or so and I will head to bed alone. For the first 20 minutes it’s easily the best part of he day, but after that I struggle to relax, I feel like something is missing. I also keep hearing ‘she can come and stay with us’ from friend’s and extended family, but the truth is, no she can’t. In reality I know I can’t have it all, I can’t have the freedom that I enjoy with the boys, and the clingy baby that I have a desire to nurture and adore all the time, but I will not give up breastfeeding her (something several people have suggested I do) or distance myself physically and/or emotionally from her.
I feel like I have a really deep spiritual connection with Edith, I have one with all of my children, but this feels so intense because of her clingy nature. I’m fiercely protective of her feelings, I don’t care if taking her off other’s because she is crying for me is ‘giving in to her’, she’s mine to give in to, and I’m hers to demand.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m coming to learn as much as Edith needs me and wants my undivided attention and adoration, I need her too. I need my baby with me, and I won’t apologise for that – even if I’m prone to whinging about the loss of me time!
H x
I could have written this word for word! But obviously not as well or concisely! I basically have exactly the same night times and am stuck to my 1yr old boy all day long – he refuses to nap anywhere but the sling or the car and screams blue murder if he is put in his cot even remotely awake. “Put him down drowsy” they say “so he falls asleep on his own” REALLY?! He jumps up from drowsy to fully wide-awake-standing-at-the-bars-of-his-cot-wildly-screaming and sobbing. That shit does not work!
Ahh thanks Rosie! It’s such bloody hard work – I’ve been told about the 4th trimester where baby is here but essentially still attached to you – never thought it would last to nearly a year and beyond! She’s very much attached to me. I do that too – wait until she is a dead weight, even breathing and lie her down so so so so so SOOOOOOOOOOO gently…. it’s like the mattress is made of bloody cattle prods, the little bugger opens her eyes like something out of a horror movie and then her lip starts to wobble… urgh. High five to us for not going totally loopy huh?
12 years ago I could have written the exact same post. My daughter seemed to be attached to me night and day. We perservered through all of the tough times. Moving on and she is now one of the most independent girls you could ever ask for.
Oh thank you for this Louise! It’s so hard people keep telling me that it will be so hard to get her to do anything without me, she’ll never sleep in her own bed etc etc etc – pish-posh! She’s fine, she’ll do it all in her own good time! x