Allowing your children a bit more freedom can be great for all of you. It gives the the chance to thrive and you the chance to relax a bit more and enjoy yourself. This is a picture I took of the boys running ahead of me at the park. Yes, they did run further and yes, sometimes out of sight (in the play areas) but they were fine.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the type of parent I am. Now that Edie is past the 6 month point I feel like I am starting to get back to “normality” a bit more… Though with her recent decision to have a 2-3 hour period of wakefulness in the middle of the night I could be described as grumpy normal. Anyway, I’ve never been one for shying away from taking the kids out for the day on my own, and sometimes I find the only way to cope with having children is to get out of the house and DO something, would you agree?
My issue when taking the kids out, lies with two little boys who really don’t have any interest in listening to what I tell them to do. Reuben runs one way and Toby the other. It almost always ends in disaster with me shouting (yes, at the kids – sue me) or we leave early. The other day we visited Flamingo Land, which is a local theme park and zoo situated about 10 minutes up the road from us – how lucky are we?! Anyway, we have annual passes and I wanted to use them during the summer, so we decided to visit just me and the kids. Now if you are like me, you won’t think anything to that, just me and three kids, but so many people have told me they wouldn’t dream of doing it, how could I cope on my own with all three?! In such a busy place?! I find that odd, they are my children, so of course I can take them all out, otherwise nothing would ever be done.
So, I packed us a huge packed lunch, and off we trotted. I put Edith in her baby carrier, Toby in the pushchair and Roo walked – well, anyone who knows Reuben knows that isn’t true, he ran back and forth near the pushchair! As soon as we arrived the running off started. I was stressed immediately, as always. It was hella busy and occasionally Roo dipped out of sight. I sat him down and explained to him there were lots of strangers so he mustn’t run off where I couldn’t see him. Of course it didn’t have much effect but he was, for the most part, in my line of view which I was fine with. If he went out of view he was in trouble, but staying in view in the crowded areas, I freed up with him a bit, let him move more freely as long as we knew where each other was. At one point I ran into a friend and as usual he got bored and ran off. My friend was frantic, but I wasn’t. I saw the direction he went and I instinctually knew he wasn’t far, he was just out of my line of sight, and he came back as I was walking to find him, looking rather sheepish. He knew he’d gone where he shouldn’t. He knew it wasn’t a good idea, he came back and apologised. At that point my friend said to me that I was such a laid back mum, I don’t get easily stressed and just seem to take these extremely energetic, crazy boys in my stride – who was she kidding, I feel like I’m one panicky moment away from a coronary at all times. I do suppose there is an element of truth to that though, I do tend to relax about the running off more and more, don’t get me wrong, I take it seriously but I know my son and that is a part of how he behaves. He will learn with time that ins’t ok, but he is also at a stage where I don’t need to hang on him or fuss at every little thing.
Next hurdle was the play area where him and Toby would BOTH come out. I can’t divide myself, I can’t. So I told them both they were allowed to play so long as they stayed in the same play area and didn’t go off with anyone, or go out of my view too much. It was great. It really was. We used the pushchair as a single point and both boys ran about for a good hour. No fuss, I kept walking around to make sure I could track them both and they were fine. I did the same a few days later at the beach, allowing them to go to the waters edge and paddle while I sat back and observed. Were they allowed to roam around the busy part of the beach without me? Of course not. Did they have to stay in sight and play together? Yes – but the point is I didn’t have to hover or follow them everywhere.
The reason I’m telling you this is because I want to try and encourage people to be free up their parenting styles a bit. We’re so terrified nowadays of what might happen to our children that we can’t even let them be children half the time. There have been numerous news reports of parents, in the UK and USA, who have been arrested and prosecuted because they have allowed their kids to play at the park alone, or, heaven forbid, walk home from the park or school at 7-8 years old when they have only to walk down the street or a couple of streets. Did you know it’s a proven fact that someone your child knows is more likely to abduct them than a stranger? Did you know abduction rates are so low in comparison to say, car accidents? All I’m saying is our children don’t need to be terrified of life and people – not everyone is bad. They just need to be street wise.
Think back to when you were a child, did your parents hover constantly? Not likely. I think having more than one child has made me less precious about things like this, I’m not by any means suggesting you let your kids out of your sight completely, or you sit down and kick back with a costa while they go around the theme park alone, but in a play area? Be that mum that sits down and observes her kids without running after them. Let your child run in front of the pushchair by a way, but don’t let them charge off into the sun set. Relax a bit.
Incidentally, I do have a buggy board that Roo has to stand on if he over does it and runs off consistently after being asked not to, but I am going to try and be a bit calmer and freer when I take the kids out from now on. We have a rule, stay in sight or (in the case of a play area) in the play area, and it’s all good.
Thoughts?
Harriet x
This is really refreshing. I am a first time mum of eight month old twins and I am always being told “oh your so so laid back” or in my hubby’s case “too laid back” for example girls are starting to notice and take interest in each other. They haven’t really developed fine motor skills or hand eye coordination so this exploration usually ends up in one or both girls being waked or poked interest the eye. My hubby pre empty this everytime and immediately intervenes in the interaction. I on the other hand observe and monitor. When the girls are mobile I will very much adopt this approach as children need to be given space to work things out. That includes elements of risk. It’s how they learn to be resilient and learn about danger. By danger I mean small things like for example. If you don’t hold on to the furniture whilst standing you are going to fall. Obviously I minimise the impact by putting a mat down. As a result one of my twins ( the one who is in fact standing) has learnt how to sit down when she feels unsteady. Before she would just go stiff as a board. My approach has been praised by mums in my baby class who openly explain they would immediately pick up their child and remove from risk. Other shake their heads. I just smile at them as I know I am setting my girls up to be confident problem solvers who understand risk and can deal with it.
Thank you so much for your comment Tracy. I’m very much like that, and funnily enough, hubster is more conscious and more “concerned” about things. I prefer to react to a situation than constantly try to prevent it, otherwise, how will they learn. I’m like you, if the kids were about to jump into a lake from 200ft, I’d prevent, but I’d react to the bumped head from jumping off the chair in the playroom. Does that make sense? I will always tell the boys ‘that’s not a good idea’ but I’m not going to prevent everything as they have to learn themselves. To a degree. H x