I’m not entirely sure what it is but of late, I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t seem to focus. I feel like I’m a bit of a joke really, constantly feeling inadequate and silly, small and the cause for annoyance and frustration around my loved ones.
I’ve ballsed up again this weekend. I convinced myself that I was going to a conference award ceremony on Friday, booked my tickets for the train, booked my hotel… got excited. I’m speaking on Saturday, I know my times, know roughly what I would like to share at the panel session and I’m proud to have been asked to speak. I’m organised. I’m prepared.
Except I’m not. I’ve got it wrong again. The conference AND the awards are on the Saturday. Transport, hotel… all booked wrong. Causing mayhem for my friends travelling with me. On top of this little balls up, which is sort of easily rectified, I’m made to feel even smaller when my husband insists I didn’t tell him that this was happening, despite me talking about it for months.
I know I did. I think I did… but I’m getting everything wrong lately, what do I know? That’s how I feel. I remember standing in front of our fire guard, hand on hip and diary in the other hand, telling him that he would be missing two matches of football because I wasn’t here on the weekend. Him sulking and complaining. I REMEMBER it… yet he swears blind it didn’t happen and I have such a void of self confidence now that I’m not sure. Did this happen or have I made another gleaming error, my inability to organise myself and I’ve imagined it?
Day in, day out, I have to repeat myself. Have to tell everyone that I have told them this, told them that, fulfilled obligation one whilst forgetting obligation two because I’m constantly reminding everyone of obligation one. A relentless juggling act and I’m dropping all the balls.
I feel like I’m failing really hard at life lately. Failing at the things that should be easy. I have no ability to trust myself to get it right anymore, to have sorted something out, organised myself efficiently. I’m just floating around and making mistakes, causing annoyance. I know getting the wrong day for an event isn’t really a big deal, not really a big thing, but it’s the constant “you didn’t tell me”, “you’ve imagined that, you NEVER said…” and even though I have it in my mind’s eye that I did, I have no confidence in myself to back that up. I know I told you Adam, I know we discussed it.
But I also know I’m useless at life lately. Unable to get organised with work schedules, floating from project to project, forgetting the mundane bits. Forgetting the bits that I’ve always loved. I know I’m struggling to manage being back to school and doing copious amounts of homework with kids that DONT want to do it, don’t want to cooperate. Struggling to juggle demands and not being listened to. Constantly not listened to.
Struggling. Failing.
My friend Hannah said “you seem to have a theme going on of things happening to make you feel small”. And that’s how I feel: Small. Squashed. A fly in the ointment that is my life.
I keep thinking that soon I will snap out of it, soon I will be sorted, organised and at the ready… but I don’t see it happening. Maybe this is just me?
Maybe I’m just not that great at sorting out my life?
I don’t think I ever lacked self confidence before I had kids, and I have always been a rather grounded person, but it just feels of late I lack all self confidence and I’m struggling to reclaim it.
It’s not just the lack of listening and feeling unheard, the continual ditziness that seems to have enveloped me, but a body confidence that I have never really had that has abandoned me too. I have always had a yoyo weight and at the moment I’m feeling significantly lower about my body than ever before – maybe it all corresponds? Maybe it’s something that has connected together, but I have no faith in my abilities, no faith in my social skills and feeling lower and lower about the way I look.
Motherhood seemed to bring along a whole new self, someone I had never met before and I had to get used to, but I don’t think I’ve ever really made peace with this new part of me, and as my business has grown I’ve become less and less confident in everything other than that – I know that I have strengths there, I feel confident that I can achieve, but in my personal life I feel completely the opposite.
H x
You are certainly not alone, this is exactly how I’ve been lately. Body image, confidence and parenting skills are always in question and being the mum of 6 I can never get it right, remember everything and please everyone. Least of all me, just today I had a mini tantrum about trousers!!! Balls always get dropped and that’s ok, we are perfectly imperfect and sometimes it’s just life’s way of saying we’ve taken on too much xx
I read your other post on body confidence, and then this one, and both things are massive aspects that have been affecting my life for the past few years. I always used to be really organised and have a great memory, but now…the brain fog is at an all time high. I lose things all the time (house keys!) and I forget appointments even when they are written in my calendar. I’m not sure what’s causing it (lack of sleep, probably), but it’s so frustrating and feels like I’m not really myself. Hear you on the body confidence and weight thing too. I’ve never struggled with low self esteem on that front until the past few years and I’m so thankful because it’s a horrible feeling that can really bring me down even when I try my best to be positive x
Oh thank you so much Chloe, it’s so hard isn’t it? And I feel SO alone in it all the time – like I’m the only one making these cock ups! H x
Thank you so much for being honest Harriet this was perfect reading today, as I’ve made a mistake at work and have been told ‘I’m not demonstrating that I’m in control’.
You are doing a fantastic job, raising kids, a job, blogging! Who cares if you got the wrong date, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Thanks for helping me feel that I’m not alone! X
Thank you Katy, and same to you – I really thought it was just me! x
I feel this way, too, and it comes and goes in waves. I have five kids- my oldest is 14 and my youngest is 3, and what you wrote had been my feeling with my husband and my family and myself over and over. I tell myself that this is a time in my life that is fleeting and once it’s over I will be able to reinvent the person I’ve become- I can get through the worst parts by knowing that it’s temporary. It’s just for a time.
Also- Going back to school? Raising people? Conference awards and speaking and still caring/knowing that your husband will miss his football games? You’re killing it. You’re awesome. You’re the best person for the job you have right now, and you’re impressive. And you look great.
Oh Sarah this is such a lovely comment, thank you so much lady xx
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this lovely. I think we all have moments like this – when I do stuff like this, I’m so hard on myself too. It sounds like you’ve entered over stress. We all need some stress otherwise we would be bored but when you slip in to overstress, the little things seem big. It sounds like you need to outsource a bit more, get a little more help – whether that’s work or home. A VA, some more childcare, a Cleaner – whatever it takes to help. Im always here to help however I can too, just give me a shout! And remember, you are one of my heroes and an all round bad ass, just keep doing you!
Thank you darling lady xx
Oh Harriet, I totally feel you. My partner is forever saying “you never told me..” when like you, I’m pretty bloody sure I did but then you doubt yourself. You doubt everything. You’re so not alone with this feeling, and writing this post will make others realise that they’re not too (thank you for this) You have got this, and although at times you feel like you haven’t, you totally have. Keep doing what you’re doing, and take 5 minutes out for yourself. Self care is so important. Lots of love! Zoe x
http://www.mummyandlissblog.com
It makes me want to sob when he does it – and he knows that. It makes me feel so inept and so useless! BASTARD haha! x
What you’re feeling is all a normal by product of being completely overwhelmed and far too busy my love. It’s called stress. You’re not useless or disorganised or any of those things, you’re simply full. Full of having to do things for other people, full of work, full of not being you for a second in a day. You need a little break x
Thank you my darling – your message on that afternoon really lifted me. It’s so helpful to know that I’m not alone xxx
This is me. Completely. I feel absolutely crap at parenting, wifeing, organising and all the other shit that ends in -ing that I just don’t feel I can get right. I now have no faith in myself, in these exact circumstances, when my husband says I haven’t told him something, to back myself up. I booked to take mum to a concert last year and we turned up a day late! The only thing saving me at the moment is that I have recently joined a gym and my head feels so much clearer. I’m hoping it will be the start of a resurgence of the old me… Thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one though!
Thank you Claire this is exactly what has happened to me – no confidence at all. None. H x
Oh my lovely. You know how I feel about this but I’ll say it again. You are allowed to drop a few balls every now and then. Everyone does it. The thing is that you are juggling SO many balls and I don’t think anyone could keep them all flying around smoothly.
I really think you need a break. A day off. Then the next day to set things up like a joint calendar (you can get apps I think?) and also, try to maybe share the balls, with whomever you can.
You are strong, you are fabulous. You are a wonderful mother, friend and business person. I can’t say that you’re a wonderful wife as I’m not in your marriage but I’m pretty sure that I was a much shitter one than you could be.
Hugs xxx
Thanks Hannah, you are such a beaut xx
Oh big hugs lovely. I hear you xx
Thank you Mel x
Thank you Mel, that means a lot x