Reuben playing in the grass last Autumn… he had actually been asked to come and stand by the tree for a photo shoot, but opted to ignore us and roll in the leaves. In his new coat. As you do.
I often ponder this question, do we (parents, teachers, society) put too much pressure on our children to behave a certain way or do certain things at a certain age?
I have the perfect example with my own son Reuben; he is loud, doesn’t focus and has very selective hearing.
Recently, I have been really wound up about wanting to get him to focus, listen more and be more attentive to things – other children in his peer group will sit calmly and quietly while he charges about like an axe murderer on pro plus (I don’t give him pro plus by the way, I was never great at sharing!). He’s three years old, and other children in his peer group are learning their ABCs now, as well as how to write, how to spell and how to read – he simply must be able to learn these skills. It got to the point where, when I would head into preschool on a morning, or visit friend’s homes and the children would be so calm and collected, (children that Reuben progressed far faster than as a baby and as a young toddler, but seems to be lacking behind now) I would leave feeling agitated and frustrated asking myself ‘What am I doing wrong?’.
Then I would spend hours upon hours with my patient husband trying to analyse why is this? He has a balanced diet, isn’t given too many sweets, is ‘disciplined’ if needs be and has a good sleep routine. So why isn’t my child sitting perfectly still in the lotus position with a calming aura, reading a book and learning ABCs, or being progressed at preschool?
Then it struck me – why am I focusing on such negatives for my son? Why, oh why, am I comparing him to these children? He is a crazy little man with a bubble of energy just waiting to burst at a moments notice, but he is also well mannered (he will almost always say please and thank you, and if he forgets we remind him and he does it immediately), friendly, articulate (even if most of what he wants to talk about is transformers and lightening mcqueen), and has a fabulous sense of humour that even I struggle to keep up with at times. This child is magic, and maybe its because I’m his mother, but he truly is so special in my eyes.
I think it is apparent that we see our children as a reflection of ourselves, I’ve done it myself often enough – you see a badly behaved child, deliberately misbehaving and their Mum ignoring their bad behaviour in favour of a magazine or something. It is a flaw within myself that I should want to put extra pressure on Reuben to behave a certain way or conform to a certain time frame of learning because I don’t want others to think I don’t ‘discipline’ him, or I don’t give him the attention he rightly deserves. That’s my issue, and not his. He will learn and adapt in his own time and nothing I change now will make that happen any faster than it is meant to.
So do we put too much pressure on our children to behave a certain way? Yes, I think we do. Kids are kids, they are going to misbehave, they are going to test boundaries – I’m not suggesting we all join that Mum in the play area with her nose in the magazine, blissfully unaware that little Timmy is beating the crap out of Sarah; but I am suggesting that we take a step back and stop comparing. Stop pushing so hard. It will come.
I’d love to know what you think, do you find yourself playing the comparison game and trying to figure out why your child isn’t doing the same as others? Do we need to think more about behaviour in young children or not? I’d love to hear from you (unless you are the Mum with the zen like child, then please keep it to yourself!)
Harriet x
I’m not a mum and I even notice the pressure people put on not only their children but themselves. Every child develops differently.
Absolutely Charlene 🙂 H x
I think parents do put a lot of pressure on children but it is most likely because they were brought up like that too. Your little boy might not be at the same stage as the other kids but it doesn’t matter because he is special too.
Thanks Ana xx
All children learn and develop at different times but yes, I do find it hard not to compare my children to others. I also think there’s too much pressure put on kids to behave in a certain way and to reach these milestones by a certain age, all kids are different. xx
Absolutely – its a trap you get lost in right?
I dont have children, but have many nieces and nephews, it is hard not to compare them and talk about x is doing this and that whilst y is not doing it… x
Right?!
I think we all do it. I think its hard not to when places like schools and nurseries are all doing it to. the testing on them has become way to much and they are practically doing checklists on our children at there abilities. I think that our children will always be different and that one child will do one thing well, and another will do something different well. I worked in nurseries and you had some children that would sit quietly and some that would run around. Your child is very normal and I think its great he can run around with loads of energy! He obviously knows how to express himself and how to have fun! Which is exactly what they should be doing at this age. At this age , Fun first, education second I say! The education part will come in its own time and he will know all about ABC 🙂 x
Thanks Cassandra 🙂
I don’t have children myself, but my Mum was a nursery nurse for many years and she finally left as she could deal with how the children had to tick boxes instead of just having fun and learning.
It’s hard not to compare your children but I try not to – they are all individuals. My youngest has no interest in reading at home and refuses to do his homework which is the opposite of his eldest brother. I have to remember he is only 5 though!
I definitely think there is a pressure on kids to behave a certain way and a lot of that stems from social pressure, like if a child has a tantrum and a room full of people will instantly access the parents and look down on them because their child has cried for 10 seconds. I definitely don’t agree with those that chose to simply ignore the child during this moment because when a child is crying to the point they’re going to make themselves sick and a parent is nowhere to be seen, looking for her holiday wardrobe, but you can’t condemn a parent at the first sound of upset.
I also think you definitely don’t need to worry about you son, sounds like he has a lot of amazing qualities and soon enough you’ll have a list again of all the things he is excelling at over his peers. Everyone learns in their own way, at their own pace, he’ll find his footing and get there
Yes, there is pressure to conform and from many quarters, such as other family members, teachers, public, church, school, playgroup, nursery, friends, etc ….and we easily forget how fantastically great at socialising, adapting, creating, moving, thinking, playing our kids are. I find I balance it as much as possible – my girls are 4 and 5. Like Reuben they are articulate, friendly, caring and constantly learning…the youngest is constantly moving and sits for shorter periods of concentrated play/reading/drawing/eating. The eldest will sit for longer periods doing logic puzzles on the kindle or reading or writing. I feel I only put pressure on my two to be as good as they can be, as kind as they can be in the right places….and I pick my battles! Play has been key – they needed allocated time to ‘let off steam’ before and after ‘sitting still’. I am fortunate that my two have attended a nursery attached to school and so the subtle expectations to do as told has been learned in a school environment, supported by routine. I think I have also ‘expected’ them to learn to sit still for certain activities so they have learned what is appropriate – such as sitting still (and not picking noses) whilst I read a story before bed. It key that you know your child(ren) I think, working with their strengths, using copious amounts of praise and starting small to achieve bigger/better. I try to make a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’ such as ‘splashing each other is great in the swimming pool/bath, yeah?’ (not using their juice at the table)…or ‘lets get the tidying up done then we can sit together to read/watch TV/play a game’ or 9my current favourite) ‘when you have done X then we can do Y’ (Y usually being what they want and X being what I want 😆 ).
I feel blessed that I have my two as they allow me to be a kid again – to see the world through their eyes, to have the insatiable need to know and learn, to explore and discover, to question and yet accept…they aren’t naïve….just free of chains! I think I made learning different and fun…you have to sit still on a bus to be safe (that’s a ‘Mummy Mantra’ in my house!!) but it doesn’t stop you looking for colours, numbers, letters on cars, in shop windows, on adverts…but I have made it exciting and interesting in my reactions and they have ‘learned’ that too. We entertained a bus load of people with our singing…and actions!
I compare my two to other kids – in my head. I know I have good kids in a well-rounded way….balance, I feel. I do homework in the school term weeks and make no apologies for it not being done in the holidays or weekends…they are our times to be a family, to discover and explore, to scream and play and just get mucky or wet, whatever! I have been muddy puddle jumping just recently and we challenged each other to doing it with different moves – hopping, skipping, tip-toe…I giggled enough to pee my knickers. And I don’t care, as my two took advantage of some spontaneous fun and learned how to be kids, with Mum.
Bless our little ones – they have oodles of time to learn what conformity is and the pressure to have to do needs to be equalled by the ability to let go. Something a few of us, as adults may have forgotten?
My little girl is only 16 months, but in playgroups she will rarely sit still and play with one thing – she roams about, investigating all the non-play things in the room, trying to kiss the other babies. I sometimes wish she’s stay still a bit longer, but only so I can have a rest!! I love that she’s so inquisitive, sociable and loving and she does have her quiet moments. It’s hard sometimes, but I try to give her space to develop her own natural curiosities – I just step in if she’s in danger, or I need to show her to be gentle / share etc. I think it’s a bit about learning to trust them. They will all get there in the end!
You know, beliefs about what is ‘right’ for children and how much they need to be developed at certain age, are so different in different countries. In some countries they just play in the kindergartens and have absolutely no pressure to learn until the very last year before going to school (f.ex. In Norway). In other countries like in Spain children start to have classes already in the nurseries, they learn 3 different languages etc. But they all grow up to nice and smart people 🙂
So, it all depends on with whom we compare and why.. I think we shouldn’t worry so much but rather enjoy the process 🙂
I think it’s hard not to compare. But it sounds like my son’s just like yours. He’s not interested in learning numbers or letters (although is now available to point out letters that are in his name), but is great at physical stuff, caring, hugging, sharing and chattering away. But then most of the children I know of at 3 who can do the amazing pictures, count further, write their name etc, all have stay at home parents who spend the time doing these things with them. I rely on nursery to do it, as he won’t do these things at home with me- he just wants to play out on the farm and in the garden.
I’m sure they’ll all learn in their own time.