I am what you would call agnostic, which is to say that I “refrain from following any specific religious doctrine”. I’ve not been raised as such, when I was younger my mother was probably my largest adult influence with it just being the two of us and she is a big believer in God and all that jazz. I even went to Sunday school during my formative years so surely it should be a part of my all round being. But it’s not. I don’t believe there is one God, I don’t believe there is an almighty sentient being who is responsible for all the good and bad things of the world. Sorry, check me out of that glorious fantasy, I’ll be over here enjoying a world of magic and fairies (which seems just as plausible when you think about it – and those guys ride unicorns soooo…)
Anyway, where am I going with this? Oh yes. I’m agnostic. Adam would consider himself one step further and an atheist. Either way, we both agree on one thing: religion is a pain in the ass and an necessary to our daily lives.
Yet. Our son goes to a Church of England school. He attends church with the school. They talk about God, Jesus and the bible. He, in turn, has a lot of questions for us.
So, why would an agnostic and atheist send their child to a religious school? Well, the simple answer is we wouldn’t but this is the only forest school in the area and has a wonderful feel about it when you visit. So, if we were given the choice, we’d take out the religious aspect. We would make sure that we teach our children about religion, all religion, because I believe strongly that children should be taught about all religions in the theoretical.
So, how do we answer Reuben’s questions?
Well. Here’s the thing, when Roo asks questions we answer him with “Well, some people believe…” But we have never been asked what we believe. Whilst I don’t like religion and I don’t believe in aspects of the Christian belief system, I do believe in the principals that are supposed to be a part of the religion. Kindness. Tolerance (ha!). Compassion. All things that I would teach my child and that I appreciate being passed on in school.
As a “religious” school they hold assembly for the kids and they have a value or thought for each term, I think off the top of my head last month’s was patience. It was interesting to see how Roo put this into daily life, how he was taught the value without it being constrained to purely religious means. On top of this, have you ever read the bible? Remember I mentioned Sunday school? Well, I have read it, and at my first primary school we were taught scriptures – there are some pretty damn good stories in that old book. Noah and his big flood. Adam and Eve (which FYI is great for showing older kids how religious indoctrination in society can be held accountable for the masochistic patriarchal society we now get to enjoy (sorry not sorry)!). Moses.
I have also found that Reuben feels a great affinity with the teachings of God. He likes to talk about the stories, he likes to talk about why things happen and, more importantly, this is teaching him the fundamental skill of questioning what he is told, even at this tender age. “Why?” is a question we joke about as parents because we hear it so much but it’s one that is essential for us to ask and to continue to ask into adulthood. A time will come when he will ask my opinion on matters, and I will tell him I don’t believe, but I will also take great pride in telling him that he has a choice to believe or not. That is another blessing about this type of education – it shows him that we live in a society where he can choose, it enables us to talk about societies where that isn’t the case and it gives him the opportunity to appreciate how lucky he is (obviously I’m talking in however many years time, but these are the foundations now).
Do my toes curl when Reuben asks me “Do people go to heaven?” Or “Why did God do that?” Yes they do but my answer is simple. “I don’t know”. I don’t. I do, however, support my son exploring every avenue to his satisfaction until he carves his own path… Though I draw the line at him telling me not to say “Oh my God!!” – a phrase I never knew I used so frequently until his teacher had to point out that he says it and the school didn’t approve… thankfully he has as of yet to shout “Holy Fuck”.
H x
That last bit made me laugh SO much! We go to church but I say “Oh my God!” all the time and so does Oscar ? in fact I’ve probably said it in church on more occasions than I’d care to admit!!
To be fair, a lot of people wouldn’t accept me as a true Christian (I’ve been kicked out of groups before – whoops!) I actually think that the heart of the Christian message is lost in all the dogma and doctrine… but I’ve come to learn that I can live with that whilst still feeling like my own liberal beliefs can co-exist with being part of a church and raising my son within it too. And that’s what I want Oscar to learn – that it’s okay to question things!
We’re doing very similar to you with Oscar – he learns about Christianity at church and then at home and in school he has access to more traditions (there is a table in his classroom wth books about religion and he loves it – he’s asked us about all kinds of things, including humanism – and when it was Eid the local Muslim community sent all the kids home with a party bag – it was brilliant!!)
At home we have a copy of the Koran and the Bhagavad Gita as well at The Bible, as I think it’s important to have access to different traditions. We also have books on more New Age ideas, as well as lots of Oracle decks and crystals and drums and incense etc all around the home We live what can only be described and an eclectic life ?
I used to worry so much about whether that would confuse Oscar but he just takes it all in his stride (the other day he decided that God was space, Goddess was the planets, and giants water the earth with giant watering cans! Fair do, kid!) In fact, I think it’s really helpful to openly discuss how different people see things differently – as a child I never questioned it and so when to went to uni and first explored Christianity properly it really shocked me to realise how there was this idea of “one true religion”. It took me over 10 years to get my head around that and finally feel like I could belong whilst refusing to accept that idea. So I’m glad to be able to help Oscar see different viewpoints right from an early age and that you can be part of something whilst still rejecting certain ideas if they don’t feel right to you.
And it sounds like that’s what you’re doing too… you’re giving your children the chance to grow up as a part of something, whilst also showing them that it’s okay to question and choose to follow a different path ?
Interesting post, thank you. My children are now adults and have pre school children of their own so this subject has come up for them choosing schools. I travelled a lot with my kids, we spent 8 years in Jordan a predominantly Muslim country, and we had to fit in with the Christian community as it was not possible to be athiest/agnostic. We lived a few years in the Christian community in Egypt, another predominantly Muslim country. Also 3 years in Israel, a Jewish country. And the last few teenage years were here in England. Having grown up in countries where religion is not just a part of life but it is every part of life my children are both atheist as am I. We have seen what religion does to people.
Great post. I’m like you, or maybe even Adam, and I attended C of E. I too believe in the good fundamental lessons behind religion (who wouldn’t?!) and so long as they don’t tip over into extremist views then live and let live. Personally I think all religions should be explored in school without any being pushed onto our children, so that they’re free to make their own informed decisions – because otherwise it feels like indoctrination. That said, I’d have no problem sending my children to a similar school to the one I attended.
I send my daughter to a state school but collective daily worship is a requirement in all UK schools by law and they’re fairly connected to the local church. It has caused some tricky conversations for us. If it were an option, I’d really rather send her to a totally secular school, though with religious education on all the major faiths.
As far as I’m aware collective daily worship isn’t a requirement in UK schools? I don’t know of any friends/family who send their kids to other schools who do it. I’m the same as you, I’d really rather it wasn’t a part of school!
It is a requirement but lots of schools dress it up as celebration or recognition of achievements rather than traditional worship.
Everything about this!!
I am more spiritual/agnostic, while my hubby was raised Catholic. I believe that my young one should have the choice when he’s older to decide if religion is something that speaks to him, but I want to keep him informed on all religions and tolerance and acceptance for them!
Thank you! That’s exactly the same here, if it speaks to him great, but I don’t want it thrust on him!
That last sentence was hilarious!!
I attended a typical state school (not C of E) but we still said the Lord’s prayer in assembly and said grace before lunch and had the local minister visit for some assemblies and sung hymns… Odd, hey? Our secondary school also held its carol service each year in the Cathedral. And I occasionally attended church with Brownies and Guides and went to choir practice with my Grandma. I then sang in a church choir whilst in sixth form. And it still took me until my first year at uni to realise that what I believed was pretty much at odds with Christianity… Go figure! My sister knew from a very early age she didn’t agree with any of it, but I just happily went along and did my own thing! I think kids are smarter than we sometimes realise in this respect 😉
One of the reasons I moved from The Family Patch to Spirit Kid Network was because I wanted to write more about spirituality and kids. I believe in a lot of things, but I am far from religious. I love learning about all the different religions, but I will never accept that any single religion has a monopoly on truth. I’m a bit of a new age hippy, for want of a better word, but I hate definitions! You should see my bookshelf, it has the Bible next to The God Delusion, next to The Bhagavad Gita and The Koran and a book by the Dalai Lama and one on paganism… I could go on but I won’t!!
I often wonder how on earth I am going to teach WB that it is what is within his heart that matters, that as long as it feels right to him then that is all he beds to worry about, because that is such a “grey area” and he likes black and white answers right now. But I look back at my own upbringing and, like you, I have chosen a path that is different to that which I grew up with, so I think that should give us faith (ha!) that it will all work out okay, no matter what we do in this respect, you know?
This is a brilliant post! Hubby and I are agnostic too but where we live, C of E schools are pretty much the only option we have, so unless we move further away than we’re planning to, that’s where the kids will go. I agree that it’s fantastic for them to understand that they have a choice. My mum is a Christian, my dad and atheist and Phil and I are agnostic as I said. I think that some of the morals and ethics taught via religion are essential life skills that I’d like to teach Toby and his sister anyway. Great post!xx
Thank you so much Hannah. I couldn’t agree more, I like the fact that Reuben will have a mix of people around him – we’re not all atheist/christian etc but he will be able to make an educated decision in the years to come over whether he wants to believe or not. xx