Let’s be honest, this probably isn’t a topic you thought would ever come up on the blog, and I’ll grant you I didn’t anticipate wanting to write about it here either, but stick with me. It’s a topic that has been in the media a lot recently and although I have plenty of time to fret before I find random subscriptions to porn mags or “accidental” pay per view payments, I can’t help but worry about the message pornography teaches teens now. Pornography is inevitable nowadays, and even if you don’t watch it yourself, it’s going to crop up when your kids are teenagers… Unless you’re Amish, in which case it’s unlikely you’d be reading this. Personally, I don’t have an issue with pornography in principal – it’s two consenting adults doing the dance with no pants, they want to film it, then that ain’t my business. What I do have an issue with is the message I think *some* pornography can send to teenagers watching it.
I’m not talking about BDSM porn or multiple partner porn, I’d hoped we’d come past the point where we assume that people who indulge in that type of relationship are fundamentally flawed emotionally. No, I don’t care what your tastes are regarding sex, but I do care about the gender stereotyping and generally degrading attitude towards women. I care that my sons think women will like that kind of attitude in bed and should do it to please them, and I really care that my daughter will view being a ‘barely legal teen’ as the equivalent of a sexual goldmine.
I’ve read a tonne of posts on this topic and the concerns are often that girls will be made to feel they should look a certain way, or act a certain way. I am concerned that my daughter will think she has to have boobs the size of her head to be attractive and yes, I worry that she will feel she has to put up with degrading language and sexual acts as the ‘norm’ but I would hope that we will have the type of relationship where we can talk to one another, and I will continue to remind her that sex should be something she enjoys and feels safe in – I don’t care if she wants to indulge in a threesome because it makes her feel empowered and happy, that’s her business once the time comes, but if she’s doing it because she feels it’s the only way to get boys to like her, you bet that’s a problem. What I find massively concerning is the attitude of ‘the younger, the better’ in pornography. I really don’t want my daughter to be made to feel that being aged 16 is the ultimately sexy age, it’s wrong, she is still a child and shouldn’t be made to feel that being ‘young’ is important in sexual encounters. Did you know you can google ‘extra small barely legal teens’ and there are hundreds of websites dedicated to it? Is that not also a way of saying to the future generation that paedophilia is ok, as long as it’s only in your head – don’t worry if a man in his 30’s wants to have sex with you at 16 because you are ‘so small and young’. What the hell?! Or flip it, it’s ok to be in your 30’s and have a sexual encounter with someone so young based on the fact that they are that young and small of physique. Hell no.
On a less terrifying but equally plausible concern regarding pornography, I worry that the boys will grow up to feel that girls want that kind of treatment and in turn, it’s what they are ‘good for’. We see such over sexualisation of women in the media, it’s almost rammed down their throats (ahem) that women are available for purely sexual purposes. I will work so hard to make sure that the boys understand that, between two consenting adults (and I hope that word “adults” is unlined in their minds – not superseded by ‘teen’) sex is something that can be discovered together, but has to be treated with respect, kindness and thought. Does your partner want to try that? It should be preceded by discussion.
I’m well aware that it would be a pretty horrendous porno of it started with a cuppa and a discussion, but the point I’m dragging at here, is that we need to make sure the youth of tomorrow understand that pornography is like fictional book – it might give you ideas, but it isn’t always going to work for everyone.
What are your thoughts/experiences?
Harriet x
