Baba before bouquet? Is it something you would do?
Recently, I have been diving into the world of Mama groups, via social media sites and other blogs, and I have come across some really quite shocking posts regarding this topic. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but some of these posts are just downright hurtful and mean, and that is something I don’t agree with at all.
Take for example this story:
A heavily pregnant lady, who commented on a popular social networking Mama group, was approached while she was in the supermarket by another, older woman who, upon noticing her bump, came over to ask her when her baby was due. The lady, thinking she was going to have a chat about her pregnancy or be wished well, replied that she was 34 weeks and due soon… to which the woman looked at her ring finger and promptly told her, ‘At least you aren’t one of those unmarried teens who carelessly brings a poor child into their hell-bound lifestyles. Its a disgrace, and I pray for their babies and their souls, as they will go to hell’. All said with a smile. Unfortunately, the ring the woman thought made her safe to share her shocking-to-say-the-least statement with was in fact an engagement ring, belonging to the unmarried woman she was addressing.
Does this story bother anyone else the way it bothers me? What is the issue with babies before marriage?
‘Carriage before marriage’, as the subject has been coined recently, is becoming an extremely popular way to live life, especially with the economy the way it is for most of the world. Very few people can afford to have the wedding of their dreams, set themselves up in their dream home and have a baby all before their biological clock starts to tick and fewer still believe that being married first is something that will define them as parents.
Why would a piece of paper make you a better parent? It certainly didn’t work for the likes of Fred & Rose West, the serial killers and sadistic child abusers! I can understand the argument that a legal bond between parents is a way of making a commitment to each other providing you both with a bit more stability before a child arrives on the scene, although I’m not sure I buy into that argument myself, especially as divorce is so easy now, are you really more secure?
I have also come across so many women who have described noticing a difference in attitudes towards them when they have had to remove their wedding ring because their fingers have swollen due to excess fluid in late pregnancy. Isn’t that sad? One woman pointed out that she felt when she announced her pregnancy no one was happy for her, until she was given an engagement ring, at which point people started to treat her like any other expectant mother. I find that tragic!! Are we still so backwards in our societal views that we can’t see the beauty in a pregnancy, or be pleased for someone without trying to shame them for something that isn’t relevant to how they will act as parents?
What do you think? I was married before I had my boys, and I must confess I didn’t want to have children until I was married, although why that is I can’t say! It was just the way it was for me. Would I have been bothered if I had a ‘surprise’ pregnancy before my marriage? Not in the slightest and I certainly wouldn’t give a damn what others thought. I say live and let live. I do not see any issue at all with people choosing to have a child out of wedlock as long as they love that child with all of their hearts and do the very best that they can do. I do, however, see a huge issue with people who try to force their opinions on others, especially if their opinions are vicious and hateful. As they say, if you can’t say something nice….
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and please don’t be shy if you disagree with my view, I would still love to know. I really would value all different opinions on the subject!
Harriet x
I wish I could say I was shocked at this, but sadly I’m not. We live in such a judgemental society where everyone seems to think they have some sort of right to go and tell complete strangers what they are doing “wrong”. If a child is being abused, then by all means interfere and don’t stop until the child is safe, other than that, why can’t people just mind their own businesses.
What drives me mad about the people who judge someone for being pregnant before marriage is that they usually have some outdated religious notion that it is wrong – that same religion believes in forgiveness and loving thy neighbour, yet they only believe in following the part that they think gives them a licence to insult people.
Sorry about the long comment, this really made me mad!
Debbie
Oh I couldn’t agree with you more Debbie. The amount of times I’ve seen/heard the phrase “sinful” etc – and yet this is the same group that believes in forgiveness and kindness. It’s a very outdated principal. I think it’s such a personal choice – one that really can’t be right or wrong, rather up to the individuals! H x
I’m pretty mixed about it, it’s a tough one for sure! Where we live now I would feel fairly happy to leave Toby (when he’s a bit older) whilst I nipped to the shop down the road and as long as he’s Road aware by the age of 10ish I’d let him walk through the village to a friend’s house on the basis I’d phone their mum to let her know to expect him, damage limitation maybe! Right now, I’ve left him in the house as a baby when I’ve popped outside say to hang laundry out although now there’d be no chance as he’d destroy the house and himself! I actually do take him out at the petrol station but that’s because he’s currently going through a real fear stage of being alone in the car and I have left him previously xx
Oh bless him Hannah – yes I had a friend who did this with her little one because she was suffering with a real anxiety when she was left in the car. I think that makes a major difference to your feelings of leaving them. H x
I am married have a house and two children. For me it was important that we got married and showed a commitment towards each other before we thought about expanding into a family unit. We were married 8 years before we had a child, we waited because of two things …1) we wanted to establish ourselves as a couple, be secure together be strong together 2) we wanted to be debt free, we worked hard very hard to pay off everything so we could be stable financially for children. If we had children straight away we would still have debts – loans credit cards morgage etc as we would have halved our earning with maternity pay/ child minding costs and not have been able to put as much towards out debts. I’m proud we did it the way we did.
Hi Kath,
Thanks for the comment. Its great to see such a difference in opinions on things and I whole heartedly appreciate you did things the way you did in order to provide the most stable family life that you could.
I do have to wondered though, although we are all different and things have worked for some people one way, and other people who couldn’t afford to pay off debts etc and wait for children, would you pass a judgement in the same way as the lady in the supermarket? Or do you feel that you are proud of yourselves for the way you did it, but happy for others who do it their way?
Harriet x
Its a stupid, out of date opinion. We have been together 14 years and have a one year old daughter. What would a piece of paper do to change this!???!!
Thanks for the comment Louise!
Harriet x
I whole heartedly agree! I am the mother of 2 children aged 3 years and 9 months and NOT MARRIED. We do however own our home a lovely 3 bed semi in the expensive York! Which frankly was and still is a much higher priority in giving our children a stable life than a piece of paper and the same surname!!!
However the other shocking thing.(………… Drumroll)is that we are both primary school teachers!! I do often get asked am I setting a bad picture for the children that I teach! My reply no I am setting a picture of modern life and surely a mortgage and 2 children is more of a commitment that a piece of paper!
We are happy and secure and if we do ever get married (my dream wedding would be very expensive lol) but my children will be part of it, they will be bridesmaid and page boy and a huge part of the big day! Or perhaps we will just save the money and have another baby 🙂
Charlotte
Hi Charlotte,
Thanks for the comment! I am so surprised to hear that you get that attitude still, in what way could you be ‘setting a bad example’ you are surely setting an example of a financially stable person who is working and supporting yourself?!
One group that I shared this with on a social media site took the conversation to the tangent of ‘un-married mothers claiming benefits’. I found that interesting and wondered if maybe attitudes are changing and becoming more aggressive because of the media attention around un-married women who have children for monetary purposes. The issue I have with that statement is that it is inaccurate, if a couple is cohabiting they can claim no more benefits than a married couple. One lady pointed this out the the group discussing the ‘benefit fraud’ angle and they immediately had a change of opinion.
Its very interesting, and to me, the media influence seems to be huge in the change of attitude.
Thank you again for your comment,
Harriet x