What the f@!k is likeability?

I’ve just read an article from Stylist mag online that was shared by one of my faves Nyomi from Nomipalony, and as usual when I’m gifted the chance to read something shared by this brilliant human, I found myself in some sort of fist pumping, fuck yeah hollering situation again. To say that Nyomi is brilliant is a bit like saying Nutella is tasty, it’s an understatement to say the least and her blog/social pages are often fodder for my own.

 This particular article was discussing the current issues faced by Alexandra Burke on BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing – a program I admit I don’t watch, other than to pause and ogle the sequins that seem to bedazzle everything from the dancers to the set with a magpie tendency that I have retained over the years.

 So what about Alexandra then? Well, apparently she’s received a bit of a battering in the show and subsequently on social media, because she’s not “likeable”. The article itself was less concerned with the spandex and fluff and more about tackling the bullshittery that is being a “likeable” woman. What makes you likeable?

 Apparently Alexandra lacks it, whatever it is.

From my own experience I can tell you exactly what isn’t deemed likeable in a woman, what doesn’t fit the parameters that society requires of us.

Being successful in your career, something that is celebrated in our male counterparts, is often something I have found puts a plug in your likeability factor. How many wonderfully successful women, from business women to TV stars, have been deemed “smug”, “self possessed” and “full of themselves” for nothing other than acknowledging their hard work and achievements. We have such a skew in our modern world with regards to how we treat successful career women vs how we treat successful career men – in fact, you may have noticed that that last phrase sounded odd. “Career men”. It’s not even a thing is it? Nope. Being a “career woman”, whatever career you choose, swiftly kicks your likability factor in the hooha because it’s just a little bit too close to what is still, judging by the very lack of the term “career man”, considered a male role in society. You can be proud of your achievements, but to acknowledge them as a woman is often considered smug, and that I genuinely believe is because society would rather a woman didn’t succeed outside the parameters of the home.

 So what else makes us females less likeable?

 “It’s just a vibe” people will say. Yet is it? Do we ever get these “she’s just not likeable” vibes from women who are small, softly spoken and gentle in nature? Who are compliant and unchallenging? I don’t think we do. I’ve been watching I’m a Celebrity over my husband’s shoulder whilst I’ve been working and a firm favourite, Toff, is a prime example of being a “strong” but still likeable woman.

 She’s small and dainty, but quick to inform us that she is mighty. Her size won’t hold her back… but it does somehow make her seem more… feminine. More approachable. Less intimidating and, put bluntly, easier to dominate. Toff isn’t at fault for this and I’m not suggesting she is anymore or less worthy of approval from society, merely that it’s interesting how a small, white, blond woman who has lived a relatively sheltered life, is “likeable”.

 Take it a step further and it’s all pretty damning really isn’t it? As a society we say we value women who are strong and brave, but that’s only if it’s presented in a way that doesn’t threaten us. I think Stacey Solomon is an amazing woman, her achievements are something I would aspire to, her challenges to society when it called her less than perfect we’re both hilarious and brilliant and her discussions on post natal depression have helped thousands of women – however, her persona is likeable because it is presented in an unthreatening, humorous and, bluntly, ditzy manner that just doesn’t threaten us. You might listen to what she has to say, her words will impact you, but they won’t threaten the way you have looked at women and society in general. This isn’t a snub towards Stacey Solomon, I think she is amazeballs, but rather an example of how women can be successful, stand for something and still retain the utter bollocks that is “likeability.”

 As women, it’s just a bit too much isn’t it? In the article Nyomi shared the author noted that we all have to be MORE all the time. More in every aspect of our beings – more glamorous, more real, more feminist, more in love with our children, more smiley, more determined and now, more likeable. We have pressure to be better mothers, to go to work so we aren’t “letting the side down” but to not forget that our children still need us 24/7, better at pinterestable crafts that no one but the craftiest of crafters are good at, better at laughing it off when we fail.

 And now… likeable. Nice. Friendly. Bland.

 I don’t want Edith to grow up with the added worry that she isn’t “likeable”, something her brothers will never have to question. Men like Alan Sugar don’t strike me as “likeable”, it’s not something I say about him – mainly because I don’t know him or especially want to, I would note his achievements in business and TV appearances… his likeability will be no more a factor to me than Piers Morgan’s was when he signed a contract with Good Morning Britain, but you can bet that Suzanna Reid had her likeability factor discussed when she was put forward.

 Likeable. What even IS that? Bullshit, that’s what it is. 

As Edith would say, bye bitches