16 Things not to say to a pregnant woman.

I’m getting a lot of these questions now and they range from the slightly grating to the downright rude. I mean come on people, during pregnancy hormones are ping ponging everywhere and no one wants to watch a pregnant lady melt down do they? So here are my tips on what not to say to a pregnant woman, consider yourself forewarned…

Are you having anymore? What is up with this question? It is one of the first things that every pregnant woman hears and why I just do not know. How about we get this one out of the first trimester first ok?

Oh. Are you sure there is just one? No, not at all, they couldn’t figure it out at the first scan, or the second, or even the private one I had last week… we’re not even sure it’s not a puppy. Really?

Wow. You are huge! This is one that everyone is throwing my way at the moment… yes, I am more spherical than you were at 16 weeks, however this is my fourth pregnancy and third child in as many years. I was still spherical from last time.

Gosh you must be so hot in this weather. Who me? Nah, it’s positively cool over here right now.

Oh my goodness I’m so hot and tired, I can’t cope with this weather! This is one my husband keeps breaking out. It’s not that I don’t understand that people other than me are hot and bothered, and I realise everyone has a right to be tired and I’m again not the only one. Unfortunately, I just don’t care if you are hot and tired, chances are I’m hotter and tireder, and I don’t want to hear you moan… in fact, in the case of my husband, shhh, I don’t want to hear you at all.

God you’re so hormonal. I mean. Sure, throw this out if you like danger.

Ohh I’ve put a bit of weight on recently and my jeans are tight. Oh are your jeans tight, gosh that sucks. My jeans are tight too. In the sense that they don’t pull up over my knees. This isn’t helpful friends of pregnant women, it really isn’t.

Oh my god just think what it will be like with 2/3/4/5 etc children running around. This little gem is always said with a grimace, usually when you are talking about your child/children’s latest bad behaviour. Trust me, I do think about what it will be like with 3 kids running around. All the time. Usually when one of them has woken me up at 3am to play.

Are you really going to eat that? Yes. The answer is yes. We, as pregnant ladies are indeed going to eat that, and you don’t need to comment on it. Be it my craving for chicken spring rolls or my mother’s craving for mustard and chilli sandwiches. It doesn’t matter. It’s pregnancy and we are going to eat it. Move along.

Aww when are you due? Really, gosh so far away! Firstly I didn’t need a reminder that it was really far away, I know, I’m counting down the hours, minutes and seconds. Secondly, why the surprise? I don’t need reminding I’m big!

This is your third/fourth/fifth etc child? The birth will be fine I’m sure, it’ll be like shelling peas. Yes ladies, this has been said to me. No, really. Who says this? Why? I really didn’t want to discuss the state of my vagina with you. Not now, not ever. And ew.

You’re having another child? Was it planned? Ha this always makes me laugh. I can’t help but wondered what reply people expect from this question. It’s so rude to ask unless you are the closest of friends and it implies you are insane for having another child. Rude, rude, rude.

Oh god. I still remember the birth of my child, it went like this… NO. I don’t want your birth horror story. NO. I have my own pretty horrendous one and I don’t want yours. I also didn’t want it before I had kids when it was my first baby. We know what happens in birth, it sounds painful never mind the actual doing of it.

Are you planning on breastfeeding or bottle-feeding? Ok, unless you are a breastfeeding/bottle feeding advisor in a store, or you have been asked by mum for advice, this is not ok. It’s a personal question, and it’s not ok. Leave this one for the professionals?

Are you trying for a girl/boy this time? Nope, I’m trying for a baby. As long as it’s healthy I’m not fussed.

*Random touching of bump coupled with sighs* This isn’t so much what not to say as what not to do. If I don’t know you, please don’t just wander up to me and touch me, I’m not a baby incubator, I’m a person and it’s frikkin weird to have your hands on me. Buy me a drink first at least.

So that’s it. Say any of these things to a pregnant woman and on your head be it.

Harriet x